Lesson 15 - Stop Trying to Turn it Around

I know, I know... You're NEVER wrong.  In fact, you're SO GOOD at never being wrong, that you have to be right even when the other person isn't wrong.  It's a gift, really, that you're just trying to share with the world.

Let's try an example.  Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you.  Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right?  So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...

"Oh, you're making eggs?  Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no.  I'm making OMELETTES."

Now let's be real.  You're just trying to educate and inform.  Omelettes aren't EGGS.  Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House!  These are OMELETTES.

No.  They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch.  The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?".  You know, like an adult.  Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right.  Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.

Let's keep it simple.  If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong.  It's a dick move, yo.  I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one.  It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!".  Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.

You're not always right, no one is.  But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.

Lesson 14 - You're Not Getting Flawless.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?  Like... Months.  Sorry about that.  I guess I could say I haven't had anything to write about, but that's not entirely true.  I wish I could say that I've found a reason to not write, but that's also not true.  Mostly it's just that I've been busy doing far too much of nothing to sit down and write coherently.

But enough about me.  Let's talk about YOU.  And your friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, and enemies.  Let's take a moment to talk about everyone and what we all want from a relationship and a significant other.

Generally, unless you're a realist, you want someone who is "perfect" for you.  According to movies, television, and modern literature, there's a pretty standard definition of this.  If those mediums are to be believed, women want a dazzling Greek God of a man.  Tall, with an olive complexion and flowing hair, deep pools for eyes, rippling muscles, and most likely some form of accent.  He's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist, who builds orphanages and loves puppies.  He rides a unicorn wherever he goes, because he cares about the environment, and will drop everything to take you on romantic getaways with roses, chocolates, wine, and foot rubs.  Hell, I want a guy like that, and I'm not even gay.

And then we have the men.  If media is to be believed, we want a woman with a perfect body.  Long, toned legs, firm abs, and a bountiful bosom.  WE want her to have a scintillating accent from some unknown European country, she's a master chef who always looks amazing, and will wait on us hand and foot.  She's a gymnast, who lounges around on strategically placed furniture in a silk robe and stockings.  Or she's Asian.  Let's keep it real here, if she's Asian the rest probably doesn't matter to most guys.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there.  Statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't mean they DON'T exist.  What it DOES mean is that there aren't enough of them for everyone to have one.  Which brings us to the point of all of this, you aren't going to get the flawless perfection that you seem to think you should have.  No one does.  It's nothing against you, it's more of a shot against society.

You see, we grow up in a world where we are bombarded every day with differing directions about what we need in life.  You can't settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve perfection.  You can't be single AND truly happy, you need someone to share it with.  If you're over 25 and single, you're just meeting the wrong people.  If you're over 30 and single, then you need to change something about you, because you NEED to be MARRIED.  None of those are true, by the way.  You can be 25 and single, but still know the person of your dreams, and just not act on it yet.  You can be 30 and single, and not need to change a thing.  You can be single and happy with it.  You don't deserve your vision of perfection.

Wait, what?  Yeah, you got that right.  You do not deserve the perfect person described above.  Because you deserve MORE than that.  You don't deserve a hollow shell of a person who is custom built to fit the societal definition of perfection.  No, what you deserve is a person.  A real, living, breathing, person.  Someone with hopes, dreams, thoughts, and faults. You deserve a person who loves you for who you are despite your faults, and who you can love that way in return.  Are they going to be perfect for you in everyone's eyes?  Of course not.  But everyone else doesn't come home to them at night.  Everyone else doesn't get to see them at their best and their worst.

You don't need to have a "perfect" person.  You don't need to rush into marriage because you THINK someone is perfect and that you need to do it NOWNOWNOW. 

What you need is love.  Yes, love is all you need.  I'm not a fan of The Beatles, but they got that right on the nose.  The person who advised this entry also shared the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve"... True story.  You deserve to be loved, despite the fact that you're not perfect.  And there's someone out there who deserves that love from you too.  Accept it.

Lesson 13 - Don't Cheat the House

It was inevitable that I would write an entry about this. I mean, come on. Speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and knows many people who have been cheated on, it was going to happen. Most people out there reading this (or anything, really) will either cheat on someone or be cheated on. It sucks, but hey, that's life. I really wish it weren't, though.

Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.

So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.

If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.

If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.

Lesson 12 - Don't be a Slob. It's Never Okay.

So, let's be honest. We all have that moment when we're a little too comfortable around people, and we do something disgusting, don't we? Maybe it's when you're out with the guys, and you let rip an epic fart. Or you go to a house party, drop a deuce, and let the smell linger. It happens, we all slip up from time to time. Maybe it's something as simple as leaving your socks on the floor of the living room. Everyone has a slob moment, and that's ok. As long as it's just a moment.

But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.

Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!

Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...

You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.

And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.

All because you didn't flush the toilet.

There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.

Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?

1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.

That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.

Lesson 11 - "It's fine!"... And Why It's a Trap.

You know, sometimes I look back on my high school years, and I wish Admiral Ackbar had been two steps behind me to yell "It's a trap!". Not just for dating, mind you, but for a plethora of other things. This is not, however, about my life story, it's about dating. So we'll stick with that.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.

"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.

See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.

Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.

And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.

I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!

Lesson 10 - Dating Is Not a Romantic Comedy

Oh hello again. It's been a little while, hasn't it? Sorry about that, I hit a bit of a stumbling block and ran out of ideas to type about. No worries, however, after speaking to one of my women friends I have a few more. Let's get started shall we?

I know that you love that movie with Ryan Gosling. I mean, he is gorgeous, I can see why you love it. The Notebook, or what have you? The problem is that so many people think that's how real life plays out, and it simply isn't.

Let's go ahead and review a typical series of events from a RomCom, shall we?

Boy sees girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected. Boy falls back on perserverance, and does something borderline stalkerish to impress girl. Girl is somewhat smitten, but still unsure. Boy makes grand display of affection, potentially embarassing self and girl, and again borderline stalkerish. Girl falls for boy, love commences and lasts forever.

Is that about how it goes? Something along those lines? Maybe?

Let's go ahead and take that series of events and look at it through a more realistic viewpoint.

Boy sees girl is bound to happen at some point. The falling in love is a bit soon, it's probably more appropriate to say "Boy is attracted to girl" at this point.

Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected.. Ok, look. I've been rejected before. There is not a damn thing about it that is comical for the recieving party. It hurts, that's all there is to it. And if, like in the movies, the girl is actually secretly interested in you? That's WORSE. Because then not only is she rejecting you, potentially in front of many of your peers, but she's doing it for no good reason. And that's just cruel.

Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".

If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.

I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.

Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.

Lesson 9 - Stop Assuming It's A Date

Ladies. Let me be clear... This is not in any way something you do that is your fault. I mean, yeah, it's kind of your fault. But mostly it's the fault of society, and occasionally a flirtatious guy who's hard to read.

When we ask you out, it's not always a date. Likewise, gents, if she says yes she may not think it's a date.

Let me elaborate... So, I tend to be a bit flirty. I do things like compliment my female friends, tell them they look nice, etc. If we go out to eat I may pay for them, or buy them a drink. This doesn't mean, to me, that I'm trying to date them. It's just how I am. I do it for my guy friends, too, but people seem to not notice that part. It is apparently because I am "that guy", that when I ask female friends of mine if they'd like to get dinner, they assume I mean on a date. 90% of the time, I'm honestly just hungry and looking for someone to go to a restaurant with. Because of this, I've actually started being specific, something I think all people should do when asking another out. You know what I say to a girl when I want to take her on a date?

..."Hey, do you wanna go out on a date?". See what I did there? I actually used the word "date". I always do the first time I ask someone out now. Granted, it's not as "smooth" or "casual" as "Hey, do you want to go to dinner this weekend?", but I can tell you now it's cut down on misconceptions quite a bit. In all honesty, those were mostly my fault to begin with (for instance, asking a girl if she wants to go walk around a park comes off as a "romance" activity, even though I don't mean it that way. I just like walking around parks)

Now, on the other side, we have the moments where the person asked out doesn't realize it's a date. I have yet to be on the awkward end of THAT one, but I've seen it happen. And it's not as amusing as you'd think. It's a bit depressing, really. Say Stan goes and asks his friend Claire out to dinner. Stan happens to like Claire, so he's intending this to be a date.

"Hey Claire, do you want to go to dinner Friday? Say, around 7?" he might say. Claire, knowing this is her FRIEND STAN, agrees to a friendly outing. "Sure," she chirped, "How about that new sushi place on 5th?". Plans are made. Stan is walking on sunshine, having just asked the wonderful Claire out on a date. Claire goes about her day, thinking she just made plans to hang out with a friend and try a new restaurant.

Oh, Stan. Poor, poor Stan. Imagine how he's going to feel when he tries to do date things with Claire. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about things date conversation (we all know it's different from normal small talk), or making the mistake of trying for the good night kiss. Oh, poor Stan. Best case scenario, fantasy level best case, she realizes her undying love for Stan and they live happily ever after (this is not the scenario that ever happens in reality). Worst case scenario, things are so awkward after this that they never get past it, the friendship dies, and they never speak again. I believe on average it's somewhere between those, where later they laugh when it's brought up, but for the sake of friendship both parties pretend it never happened.

The point is, make sure that what YOU think is a date is actually a date.

Lesson 8 - Choose Someone Appropriate

I know, I know. The heart wants what the heart wants. But more often than not, that person you're chasing isn't what your HEART wants. It's what your head wants. Or your loins. Damn loins.

We're all guilty of doing this from time to time, so there's no need to beat around the bush. We chase people we shouldn't be with. And I don't just mean from the shallow, high school, "Oh they're totally out of your league, that person is soooooo hot" standpoint. I mean from the general, use your damn head standpoint. Common interests, chemistry, and yes, physical attraction, are all important. I'm aware that, at least once, we've all been told "opposites attract"... And they do. In magnets. And lust. But you know when opposites can be a pretty bad foundation? For an actual relationship. You and your partner need to have some common interests, likes, dislikes, and to some degree, beliefs.

Here's a good example from when I was in high school. I was interested in this girl, whom we shall call Claire, but she was in no way right for me. It's not that she was a "bad" girl (nor was I a "bad" boy), or anything like that. We just had radically different beliefs, upbringings, musical tastes, and expectations from life. My mom had a good point when, while talking about this girl, she asked "So, what if you marry her and have kids? She's going to want to teach them that the Earth is only 10,000 years old. Are you ok with that?", and, like a stupid kid, my response was something about discussion and compromise. What I should have said, and what I would now say, is nothing. Because I'm not going to try and be with someone who has very firm beliefs that are so different from my own. Likewise, I would never date a Luddite (people who shun technology), someone who never wants children, or a person that thinks Val Kilmer made a better Batman than Micheal Keaton. These are things I know now would bother me endlessly during a relationship, and that's not healthy.

It's not really a difficult concept, when you get down to the core of it. You should choose someone not because you THINK they'd be good for you, or because you could show them off. You should pick the person who IS good for you, and who you still want to spend time with just sitting around doing nothing.

...And in high school, it sucks, but appearance is important. Everyone is pretty shallow at that age, and worried about social standing, so it might not be your best choice to try and get the prom queen. No matter how many interests you share. Things calm down on that as you get older, though.

Intermission - Holidays and Being There

So far, I've been focusing on things to remember for your first few dates. And while I feel that everything I've mentioned so far has been important, I want to take a break to talk about something important to remember late in the relationship.

You see, I have quite a few friends who have been in their relationships for a long time. some of them are married, others are engaged, and some just seem to be eternally "dating". But they've all been with their significant other for a long time, and so I get to observe the things that they do for each other (or don't do, as the case may be), and it really has me thinking about two key things I don't really see enough of.

First, remembering to do special things for holidays and anniversaries. Second, just being there for the person.

Let's start with holidays. Let's say it's Valentine's Day, shall we? I know it's just a hallmark holiday, and quite a few people have no interest in doing anything special for it. Your significant other may even tell you, flat out, that you don't need to do anything. Trust me, you should still do something. Not necessarily because it's V-Day, but because you are involved with another person, and it's ok to show that you care. If you're a guy, send her flowers, maybe get her a box of chocolates. If you're a girl, there's no harm in making dinner, or taking your guy to a movie. There's nothing fancy about this, folks, these are small things that just show the other person "Hey... I kind of adore you". And while you're at it, guys, do something nice for your mother. Personally, I send my mom flowers a few times a year, because you know what? She's my mom, and she deserves it. It's the little things that can make all the difference.

Now, when it comes to just being there.. I cannot understand why this is so hard for people. The entire "job description" as a boyfriend or girlfriend is pretty basic. "Be there". If you've been with someone for, oh, 6 months. And they call you, terribly upset, at 4 in the morning? Answer the phone. I don't care if they're drunk or sober, emotional or not. You've been with them this long, they expect you to be there when they need you, the least you could do is make the effort. I know that no one is going to be there 100% of the time, and so do they. But you still need to make the effort. If a girl I'm dating calls me at 3am, crying and wanting me to be there? Chances are pretty good I'll offer to go to her. Because that's what it means to be in a relationship. It means being there for the other person when they need you. Stop ignoring them, or passing it off as them being clingy. Sure, maybe they are a bit attached, but you're still with them, aren't you? So obviously it's not bothering you THAT much (or you're a douche who just wants the attention).

Start showing up. It's important.

Lesson 7 - Choose Something Appropriate

Now look, I'm going to be honest. First dates where I'm just getting to know a girl, I go for the classics. Things like dinner, or a movie, maybe coffee.. Things like that. Safe things. Things that most people are ok with, and willing to do, and that won't get you killed. That being said, there have been times when I've asked a girl what SHE wanted to do on the first date, and sometimes those responses are.. well.. Not really the kind of thing you do on a first date. So, ladies, if your gentleman asks you what you would like to do, please steer away from the following.

Number 1 - Do not invite them to anything with your parents. I don't care if you're in high school and your folks want to spend every moment of the date with you. Do not put a guy through this. It's intimidating, it's weird, and most importantly, it's not actually a date. It's you hanging out with a guy who thinks you're cute, while your parents watch and scrutinize everything he does. If your parents want to meet him, fine, he needs to show up and make a nice introduction. That doesn't mean they need to sit three rows behind you in a theater, ready to pounce if he puts an arm around you.

Number 2 - Any kind of class. These can be fun, cute, romantic things to do if you've been with someone for a bit. Not for a first date. Cooking class? Do you really want to give a guy you barely know a sharp knife and access to fire? Pottery class? It's cute, sure, but it's also a solid way to say "I'm going to be a crazy cat lady someday" on a first date. My personal favorite was the girl who invited me to her Yoga class. Because, you know, that's an appropriate date. Taking your guy to a place where he can either see attractive and fit women his age bending and being flexible, or he can see women who THINK they're like that, trying to do the same thing. Don't suggest a class, please.

Number 3 - Anything that involves more than 45 minutes straight in a car. I'm serious. If you two have to sit next to each other for too long on the way to a date, there may be blood. Pick something close for a first date, and as your relationship grows, so will your date radius. If you really, REALLY want to do something far away, make it a group thing and bring a few friends. It's for your own sanity.

Number 4 - Weddings. I mean, really? Do I need to explain why this is a bad first date idea? I don't think I do. Just don't do it. Ever. Take a platonic friend if you need a date, leave the poor new guy alone and go out some other time. Weddings are another sure way to make a guy think you're a little crazy and need to just calm it down a notch.

I don't want you to feel singled out by this, ladies. Guys have some pretty bad first date ideas too, I'm sure. For instance, you may want to reconsider if a guy suggests any of the following first dates:

Paintball. (it hurts. Fun, but painful)
Skydiving. (you're going to die)
Scuba diving. (you're going to die, and he'll cop a necro-feel)
Weddings. (he's crazy, and most likely clingy)
A romantic trip out to sea on his boat. (you're going to die)
Dinner with his mother. (guy's got issues)

And a plethora of others that I'm sure exist. I'll have to ask my female friends for examples to provide a better list, but let's start with that.

Remember, if you don't know them, stick to things that everyone enjoys. No point in taking a date to a theme park if they hate all the rides.

Lesson 6 - We Asked You Out, Stop Asking for Reassurance

Ok, so ladies... Can we talk for a moment? Man to women? This one is for you. Let's talk about the things you do at dinner that we, as men, really wish you wouldn't.

First and foremost, remember that we asked you on a date. We. Asked. You. So clearly we find you attractive, want to spend time with you, and pursue you romantically. Please keep that in mind for more than 10 minutes. If you can, remember it the entire night, and failing that, whenever you think you need to fish for a compliment.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've picked a girl up for a date only to have her ask me over dinner "Do I look good in this?", or "Do you think I look pretty tonight?"... Let me be clear. 99% of the time I will tell you "You look really nice today" or "I love the way you look in that dress". I'm a gentleman and it's WHAT WE DO. As such, you do not need to bring it back up, because honestly it just makes you seem dependent on compliments. No one likes when their date spends the entire evening looking for more and more compliments. I asked you to dinner, so clearly I find you attractive and a joy to be around. Yes, I'm sure guys do it too, but I've never gone on a date with a man, so I can't speak from experience. If the guy doesn't compliment your appearance, don't sweat it. Maybe it just didn't seem as important as having an engaging conversation with a lovely woman. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, and believe me when I tell you that he IS thinking of how pretty you look.

Another thing to not talk about? Your ex. I don't care how close you were, or how long you were together, or even what a douchebag he is. Do not, ever, bring up your ex on a date. If he isn't standing behind me with a murderous rage in his eyes, I don't want to know he even exists. Think about how you would feel if the man across from you kept starting sentences with "You know, my ex.."... And don't try to get around it by referring to them by name, or anything like that. Every single time you mention your ex, we take it as a sign you're comparing us to them. And that is a bad thing. Even if we're winning the comparison, it means you're still thinking about him, when you're supposed to be on a date with us. The last thing I want to hear after ordering my martini is "You know, my ex never brought me to any nice places like this". Even if you, your date, and your ex are the only people on a small island, and the only people you know, do not bring them up. Talk about the decor. The music. The menu. ANYTHING but your ex.

If you want to talk about your ex, give them a call. It's obvious they're still on your mind, and you aren't ready to be on a date with someone else.

Lesson 5 - Don't be a Drunk Rabbit.

Ok, so let's just get this out there. Drinking can be nice. It relaxes you, a lot of alcoholic drinks are tasty, and it's a very adult thing to order at dinner.

That being said, don't be a god damn drunk. You know who you are. I'm talking about those people who order way too much to drink at dinner, get sloshed (even "tipsy" is a bit rude). I was just talking with one of my women friends, and she made a good point on the matter... Don't order more than two alcoholic drinks. It's a good, safe number. You know you're going to be eating, and you should know your own tolerance by now. If you and your date opt for a bottle of wine? Don't go chugging it all down, because then you're not just a drunk, but you're selfish.

So, let's set the stage.. You're at dinner, a fairly nice restaurant... Nothing too expensive, mind you, this is a first or second date, but not a McDonald's either. Maybe an Italian place? Italian is classy. You have the menu in front of you, your date orders a martini, you order whatever you choose, perhaps some wine. Don't just get water. Speaking as a man who makes a habit of paying for the women he takes on dates, it's a bit annoying. To me, when I order a martini and you just ask for a glass of water, you're thinking to yourself that you need to keep the meal cheap since I'm paying for you. If someone asks you to dinner, and they know they're paying, I'm willing to bet they'll choose a restaurant they know is within their price range if you get a drink or two with your meal. You can order water after you have one or two actual drinks, I promise they won't kill you.

Speaking of dinner... what do you order?

I'll tell you what you don't order. The damn side salad. If you're not a vegetarian, you have no business ordering a side salad for dinner. And even if you ARE a vegetarian, get one of the entree salads. If you want pasta, order the pasta. The person sitting across from you isn't going to think less of you if you order a steak, either, as long as you know how to use a fork and knife to eat it. It's ok to order what you really want, as long as it's not the side salad.

Or, actually, the most expensive thing on the menu. I'm not talking about the restaurants where everything is within a few dollars of everything else on the menu with this, mind you. You know the restaurants I mean, where they have one or two items which are, for no apparent reason, considerably more expensive. There's a pretty nice Italian place here, for instance, that has one dish which costs as much as three other entrees combined. For no reason. I've had it, it's really not that great, and certainly not better than their pasta with bolognese sauce. If you happen to see that mysteriously expensive item on your menu, just avoid it, and get something else. It's rude to assume your date is poor, but it's a pretty mean move to assume they want you to make the meal cost as much as you can.

If you want dessert, that's up to you. Order whatever. It's all delicious. Tiramisu is one of my personal favorites.

Lesson 4.5 - To Kiss or Not To Kiss. It's not really a question.

Just because you pay for dinner and a movie, that does not entitle you to some lip action.

Just because you pick her up for the date, that does not entitle you to kisses.

I don't care if you brought flowers, chocolates, and a full marching band. On a first date, you are not entitled to a kiss. She's a woman, not a hooker. And even if she IS a hooker, this is a date, not her business hours.

That being said, ladies? Just because he did those things doesn't mean he wants to kiss you.

Play it by ear and feel it out. Being nervous is one thing, but there are some pretty clear signs when a person doesn't want to kiss you. Like if they lean away, or keep moving closer to the door saying "Well, I should really get going/get to bed". Let it go. Hell, you might not even get a hug (although it's kinda polite). And don't be some creeper and try to cop a feel on the first date. Show some class.

Lesson 4 - Pick Them Up

I don't mean physically lift them off the ground, of course. That would be creepy. I mean get in a car/truck and go to their place of residence, and drive them for the evening of your date.

Notice I did not say "van". What are you, a creeper trying to lure in kids?

This is a pretty simple one, and honestly it's an example of the little things that count. When you ask someone on a date, plan on going to get them. For example, say you ask Suzie on a date.

"Hey Suzie, would you like to go to dinner with me this Saturday night?"
"Why sure, Hank, I would love to!"
"Great, I'll pick you up at 7!"

See that? Right there? "I'll pick you up". Meeting at the restaurant is something that friends do, and most of the time even friends carpool. Saying you want to meet a date somewhere instead of picking them up shows one thing. One very large, very blatant thing, to a potential date.

Fear.

You are trying to make sure that if the evening goes sour, you have a way out. You may THINK you're being polite and offering them the way out, but you aren't. Obviously they already want to go with you, they said yes. But when you say something like "Awesome, I'll meet you at the theater at 7", you're saying "I'm afraid this won't go as well as I hope, and I want to avoid being stuck in a car with you". I admit, it really sucks to take someone out for a date, have the evening be terrible, and then have to sit in the car with them on the ride home. It sucks for everyone. But you know what? That's the risk you take. And even on absolutely horrible dates, you have to endure what? 20 minutes of listening to the radio? The radio is not that bad, my friend. Pick your date up, it's good form.

And while we're at it, let's discuss HOW to pick up your date for the evening. Oh yes. There are things you should be ready to do.

First and foremost? Clean your car. Inside and out. Make it clean, and get a decent air freshener. No one wants to be picked up for a first date in a muddy, trash filled monstrosity. You may like the comfort zone your mess provides, but that doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Second.. Walk up to the door. Don't just text or call your date to say you're there, waiting outside in the car for them. It's rude and impatient. Have the courtesy to turn the car off, walk to the door, and knock like an adult. If someone else answers the door and you don't know them, introduce yourself before you ask if Suzie is there. Make small talk, be polite. Turn on some of that charm.
Third, open the door for your date. It's good form. It doesn't matter if it's their car door, the door to a restaurant, or the gate on a fence. If it isn't the door to their house/dorm/apartment, it's good form. Opening the door to their house for them is a bit creepy, though.

Now, when you take your date home, very similar rules apply, just in reverse.

Open the door when you get back to your car/truck. Again, GOOD FORM.
When you get back to their place, turn the car off and get out with them. Walk them to the door. I realize it's ten feet, and they're unlikely to be mugged in the driveway. That doesn't matter. It's polite, good manners, and dammit, it's.. Say it with me... Good. Form.
Be polite and talk on the walk, too. Tell them what a nice evening you had. Even if it was absolutely terrible, focus on the good parts of the evening. Did she look nice? Was the movie funny? Was that waiter really the guy from Duran Duran? Chat a bit. Be interested in them and whether or not they enjoyed themselves.

Now, in the time it takes for you to get back to your car, open the door, and sit down, they should be in the door. Drive away, it's totally ok. Don't text or call them five minutes later, you're not a stalker... And if you are, stop stalking people, it's weird.

I suppose it's only fair to mention that sometimes, just sometimes, your date will actually suggest meeting you there rather than being picked up. It's totally ok in that circumstance to meet. They're suggesting it, not you. If they want an out, let them have it. Don't be a jerk.

Lesson 3 - Let Us Pay (Or, Don't Be a Cheapskate)

Let's go ahead and get this out of the way. Even in this modern age, the guy still usually asks the girl on the date. There are, of course, exceptions, but this is generally true. That being said...

If a someone asks you on a date, let them pay. If you ask someone on a date, expect them to pay. It's not sexist, it's good behavior. If you want to offer to pay for half, or all, of a date you were asked on, kudos to you. But don't make it into an argument or cause a scene. Just let it happen.

I'm a bit old fashioned on this, true. I was raised that if you take a girl out for dinner, or drinks, or paintball, you pick up the tab. It's been so ingrained in me that even if I'm out with a girl as friends, 9 times out of 10 I'll pick up the check when she's not paying attention. It just happens, and I'm ok with it. I'm so used to it, in fact, that I plan on it and make sure I have the money to pay for both of us if we go out to do something. Where I come from, it's called being a gentleman.

Now, I'm not suggesting that it is ALWAYS the man's responsibility to pay. Not at all. I'm suggesting it is the asking party's responsibility. If a girl were to ask me on a date, I would fully expect her to be ready to pick up the bill. I would offer to pay for everything (this has happened and she was ok with it), but if she were insistent on paying? I'd be respectful enough to let it happen (this has also happened. Once.) You should too. Likewise, if you happen to be gay and get asked on a date, the asking party should be ready to pay.

Now, sometimes you have that person who immediately goes for the "50/50" route. That's ok. Some people are like that, and especially with the economy the way it is, it's risky to drop a lot of money on a first date that may not pan out. But if you keep going on dates after that? Come on. Be classy, and if you asked them, pick up the check. For me, personally, "seperate checks" sounds a lot like "we're just friends" if you're still in the dating phase.

Lesson 2 - Keep Your Crazy in Check

Oh hello again. Last time we discussed the importance of not being a pretentious bitch. This time, let's cover how to handle your crazy.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking "But wait... I'M not crazy!"... Shut up. Yes you are. Everyone is, and you are no exception to this. You are a god damn lunatic in sheep's clothing. Why are you dressed as a sheep? Shut up.

So anyway, handling your crazy. Dating someone, and eventually loving them, is a matter of balancing their crazy against your own, and not going overboard. And you may be tempted to let all of your crazy out right at the beginning, just to clear the air, and hopefully forge a meaningful relationship on complete trust and honesty. How heartwarming. Don't do that. NEVER do that.

Do you want to know why? Because no one can handle all of your crazy at once, especially not if they're just getting to know you. I'm sure that Chuck is a great guy and super nice to you, but that doesn't mean you tell him about the names you have picked out for your children. And definitely don't tell him about how you snagged some of his hair for the DNA. These are, I kid you not, legitimate examples of things I've been told on a first date. No man wants to know the names you have chosen for your children unless he is actively trying to have a child with you, or at least PLANNING to actively try. And the DNA thing is creepy. Seriously. Who the hell does that.

A first date is an interview (Thanks, Van Wilder!). You wouldn't go into a job interview and tell them about the weird donkey videos you search for on the internet, would you? So why would you tell it to someone you want to date? Save that for later, when they check your search history and ask about donkeys. You need to let your crazy out gradually, over a period of time. We're talking multiple dates here, kids. I've been on both sides of the too much crazy event, and it never ends well. No one wants to hear about the full-size Zelda standee in your apartment on a first date (that's a lie, it's actually surprisingly popular), nor do they want to hear about your sonic screwdriver. At least not right away.

So just chill out, relax, and remember that you don't need to give your life story in the first two or three hours. You have a lifetime to tell your life story.

Lesson 1 - Don't Be A Pretentious Bitch

Let me start off by saying that I am fully aware men can be guilty of this just as often. Just because they have a dick doesn't mean they can't be a bitch.

So, let's set the stage for lesson one, shall we? Imagine you meet a nice guy or girl, and seem to hit it off fairly well. You find each other attractive, have common interests, the works. After getting to know each other a bit, you go ahead and ask them out on a date.. Something casual, friendly, and fun... Like, for instance a movie. A go-to classic first date, but hey, if it's not broken don't fix it. This is generally the time to part ways (after exchanging numbers if you haven't already), and go about your business.

It is totally acceptable to talk between the asking and the going. Test the waters a bit, decide on a movie, and just generally chat. Maybe ask how work, or school, is going... Your standard small talk.

What is not generally acceptable at this point is to be a pretentious bitch. Imagine, for a moment, you were the one asked on the date. Which of the following do YOU think is an appropriate topic of conversation?

1. Asking what kinds of movies your date enjoys
2. Asking your date more about their interests, family, etc
3. Telling your date what they need to wear, how they need to style their hair, and how they need to act

If you chose one of the first two options, congratulations, you are a normal, functioning adult. Hooray! If you chose option 3, however, you're a pretentious bitch.

I'll give an example from my own life, if I may. I recently met a girl who seemed rather nice. She was attractive, we have similar interests, etc. She's a bit talkative for my tastes, but she was just trying to get to know me better, which I fully understand. So, after a bit of conversation, I asked if she'd like to get together this weekend to see a movie. Nothing big, just two people enjoying a film, maybe grab a cup of coffee afterwards. She said yes, and as you may recall, this is the time to part ways and talk later.

It is not, however, the time to begin telling me how I need to dress to go see a movie. I'll just throw it out there that I'm a pretty casual guy. I'm in my late twenties, I like wearing jeans and t-shirts in the spring, and a hoodie if there's a chill in the air. To me, there's nothing wrong with that. It's comfortable, and it's how I like to dress. I think it's a pretty standard approach to clothing. So, if I ask you to a movie, and you start telling me that I, in all seriousness, need to wear a button down shirt and tie? You're being a bit pretentious. If you throw in that I need to wear dress slacks and shoes? You're being very pretentious. If you then tell me I need to style my hair in an "up-do" and wear a particular type of cologne because it's what you want? You're a pretentious bitch, and this date isn't happening.

Do not tell your date how to dress. We're all adults, and I'm sure we can figure out what is, or is not, appropriate to wear out of the house. Do not tell your date how to style their hair. If I want opinions on my hair, I will ask the rather wonderful girl who cuts it for me. Do not tell your date what fragrance to wear, because they may find it to be absolutely horrendous. You are going on a date. That's it. A date. And if it's a first date, you're not just a pretentious bitch, you're a spoiled child for trying to be that controlling with a person you've just recently met.

I suppose it is worth mentioning that some people WANT a controlling person like that in their lives. That's still no excuse for being a pretentious bitch right out of the gate. Take it easy, ok? Just relax and let things happen, see where the evening takes you, and don't stress if your date isn't the model of perfection you want them to be.

Dating 101 - An Introduction

Dating can be a pretty scary thing. You've got to put yourself out there for someone else, let them get to know you a bit, and hope they aren't crazy. And the worst thing is, they're going through the EXACT SAME THING you are! So, here you have two people, trying to find common ground, without coming off as totally insane to the other person. It's a bit intimidating, to say the least.

But let's be honest, here... With the right two people, and the right level of interest, you can get over those nervous feelings within a few minutes and enjoy the rest of the night. Maybe even go out again sometime. It's a pretty fantastic thing, to say the least.

But you know what isn't fantastic? The number of people out there who still manage to do it wrong. You can have two great people, who are really interested in each other, but one of them will make some minor slip-up for one reason or another, and the whole thing starts tumbling down. We've all been there, we've all had it happen. Hell, most of us have probably caused it to happen. It's just a part of life. The problem is when it keeps happening because someone doesn't realize they're making a mistake. This is usually where friends step in and give advice, like "Man, you just need to cool your jets and not rush so much", or "Girl, seriously, stop getting all possessive". Anyone can make any number of mistakes at the start of the dating game. So, speaking as a guy who has been on the receiving end of some of that crazy, I'd like to give a few pointers I think both sexes can take to heart. That's what this is for.