Lesson 2 - Keep Your Crazy in Check

Oh hello again. Last time we discussed the importance of not being a pretentious bitch. This time, let's cover how to handle your crazy.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking "But wait... I'M not crazy!"... Shut up. Yes you are. Everyone is, and you are no exception to this. You are a god damn lunatic in sheep's clothing. Why are you dressed as a sheep? Shut up.

So anyway, handling your crazy. Dating someone, and eventually loving them, is a matter of balancing their crazy against your own, and not going overboard. And you may be tempted to let all of your crazy out right at the beginning, just to clear the air, and hopefully forge a meaningful relationship on complete trust and honesty. How heartwarming. Don't do that. NEVER do that.

Do you want to know why? Because no one can handle all of your crazy at once, especially not if they're just getting to know you. I'm sure that Chuck is a great guy and super nice to you, but that doesn't mean you tell him about the names you have picked out for your children. And definitely don't tell him about how you snagged some of his hair for the DNA. These are, I kid you not, legitimate examples of things I've been told on a first date. No man wants to know the names you have chosen for your children unless he is actively trying to have a child with you, or at least PLANNING to actively try. And the DNA thing is creepy. Seriously. Who the hell does that.

A first date is an interview (Thanks, Van Wilder!). You wouldn't go into a job interview and tell them about the weird donkey videos you search for on the internet, would you? So why would you tell it to someone you want to date? Save that for later, when they check your search history and ask about donkeys. You need to let your crazy out gradually, over a period of time. We're talking multiple dates here, kids. I've been on both sides of the too much crazy event, and it never ends well. No one wants to hear about the full-size Zelda standee in your apartment on a first date (that's a lie, it's actually surprisingly popular), nor do they want to hear about your sonic screwdriver. At least not right away.

So just chill out, relax, and remember that you don't need to give your life story in the first two or three hours. You have a lifetime to tell your life story.