Lesson 18 - R E S P E C T. It's not just a song.

Maaaan.  Been awhile.  Not going to lie, a lot of it is that I usually write in here when I'm bitter about something relationship/dating-wise, and I really haven't had much to complain about lately.  Kind of have a pretty awesome woman in my life, and it's been a nice change of pace.

But fuck it, this is the internet and I still have things to say.

So, let's talk about respect.  I mean really, respect goes both ways and you should respect each other, but let's not pretend we're here so I can be like... Ladies. Respect your man!  That's not why I'm here, and hopefully that's not why you're here, or you'll be a little disappointed.

Gentlemen.  Menfolk.  Boys.  We are a pretty disrespectful lot when it comes to women.  Like.. wow.  Take a moment and really think about it, and then just let the feeling of "Fuck, I'm an asshat" wash over you.  It's ok.  Really.  Take it all in.

Now, a large part of this is the fact that we live in a patriarchal society where men are men and women are second class.  Don't argue with me, you know I'm right.  Sit down.  Now think back to how many times you've made some sexist joke like "Oh, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?  Nothing, she was already told twice!" or "Why would I get a woman a watch, there's a clock on the stove!" ...Laugh it up.  Thing is, there's funny ha-ha, and there's funny "Oh shit we're perpetuating a culture of disrespecting everyone without a dick", which is to say... there's funny, and there's not really funny.

Let me ask you a pretty simple question.  Do you respect the women in your life?  All of them?  Not just your family (though that is important), but your female friends, coworkers, and partners?

Now, do you just respect them outwardly?  Or is your respect internal as well?  Example.  Do you treat a woman nice, and respectful, to her face, but then when you're out with the boys talk about her in a disrespectful or inappropriate manner?  Both are important.

This is feeling a bit wordy to me.  Sorry about that, but I'm not really sorry.  The thing is you have to respect the people you're with.  Have. To.  It really shouldn't be an option not to, but the horrible truth is that there are many women out there who have gone so long without ever being respected as a person that they just think "Oh, well, I deserve to be treated like this".  And they don't.  Really, ladies, you don't, and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.  ...Phrasing, not like, proper fuck, but those people can go to hell.

I don't know, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I really believe that respect is an integral part of any healthy relationship.  It goes both ways, yes, but generally the men are the ones causing problems.  Like, if your lady says no to something?  Anything?  Respect it.  Don't be like... "Hey girl... you lookin' pretty.  Lemme get the P in the V" and when she says "No, I don't feel like it", jam your dick in anyway.  That's not cool, and beyond being disrespectful, it's illegal (because that's rape, dating someone does not entitle you sex whenever you want).  Or if she asks you to refrain from a certain type of behavior (within reason)?  Like, if your lady asks you to do something as simple as wiping your feet when you walk in the door.  Don't argue.  Wipe your damn feet.  Small displays of respect are as important as large ones.

I'm not gonna lie, it's actually pretty hard right now for me to think of common displays of disrespect that aren't the illegality we've already covered.  Be polite.  Be a nice fuckin' guy.  Well, I guess this is getting to the TL;DR, so be a nice fuckin' lady. Be a nice fuckin' PERSON.  Not just to your partner, but to everyone, because maybe they just need that little bit of respect.

And again.  Ladies.  If some dude out there disrespects you and treats you like garbage.  You don't have to put up with that shit.  You deserve better, and he deserves some icy hot in the peehole.

Lesson 15 - Stop Trying to Turn it Around

I know, I know... You're NEVER wrong.  In fact, you're SO GOOD at never being wrong, that you have to be right even when the other person isn't wrong.  It's a gift, really, that you're just trying to share with the world.

Let's try an example.  Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you.  Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right?  So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...

"Oh, you're making eggs?  Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no.  I'm making OMELETTES."

Now let's be real.  You're just trying to educate and inform.  Omelettes aren't EGGS.  Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House!  These are OMELETTES.

No.  They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch.  The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?".  You know, like an adult.  Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right.  Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.

Let's keep it simple.  If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong.  It's a dick move, yo.  I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one.  It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!".  Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.

You're not always right, no one is.  But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.

Lesson 12 - Don't be a Slob. It's Never Okay.

So, let's be honest. We all have that moment when we're a little too comfortable around people, and we do something disgusting, don't we? Maybe it's when you're out with the guys, and you let rip an epic fart. Or you go to a house party, drop a deuce, and let the smell linger. It happens, we all slip up from time to time. Maybe it's something as simple as leaving your socks on the floor of the living room. Everyone has a slob moment, and that's ok. As long as it's just a moment.

But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.

Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!

Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...

You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.

And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.

All because you didn't flush the toilet.

There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.

Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?

1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.

That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.