Lesson 11 - "It's fine!"... And Why It's a Trap.

You know, sometimes I look back on my high school years, and I wish Admiral Ackbar had been two steps behind me to yell "It's a trap!". Not just for dating, mind you, but for a plethora of other things. This is not, however, about my life story, it's about dating. So we'll stick with that.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.

"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.

See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.

Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.

And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.

I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!

Lesson 10 - Dating Is Not a Romantic Comedy

Oh hello again. It's been a little while, hasn't it? Sorry about that, I hit a bit of a stumbling block and ran out of ideas to type about. No worries, however, after speaking to one of my women friends I have a few more. Let's get started shall we?

I know that you love that movie with Ryan Gosling. I mean, he is gorgeous, I can see why you love it. The Notebook, or what have you? The problem is that so many people think that's how real life plays out, and it simply isn't.

Let's go ahead and review a typical series of events from a RomCom, shall we?

Boy sees girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected. Boy falls back on perserverance, and does something borderline stalkerish to impress girl. Girl is somewhat smitten, but still unsure. Boy makes grand display of affection, potentially embarassing self and girl, and again borderline stalkerish. Girl falls for boy, love commences and lasts forever.

Is that about how it goes? Something along those lines? Maybe?

Let's go ahead and take that series of events and look at it through a more realistic viewpoint.

Boy sees girl is bound to happen at some point. The falling in love is a bit soon, it's probably more appropriate to say "Boy is attracted to girl" at this point.

Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected.. Ok, look. I've been rejected before. There is not a damn thing about it that is comical for the recieving party. It hurts, that's all there is to it. And if, like in the movies, the girl is actually secretly interested in you? That's WORSE. Because then not only is she rejecting you, potentially in front of many of your peers, but she's doing it for no good reason. And that's just cruel.

Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".

If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.

I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.

Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.

Lesson 9 - Stop Assuming It's A Date

Ladies. Let me be clear... This is not in any way something you do that is your fault. I mean, yeah, it's kind of your fault. But mostly it's the fault of society, and occasionally a flirtatious guy who's hard to read.

When we ask you out, it's not always a date. Likewise, gents, if she says yes she may not think it's a date.

Let me elaborate... So, I tend to be a bit flirty. I do things like compliment my female friends, tell them they look nice, etc. If we go out to eat I may pay for them, or buy them a drink. This doesn't mean, to me, that I'm trying to date them. It's just how I am. I do it for my guy friends, too, but people seem to not notice that part. It is apparently because I am "that guy", that when I ask female friends of mine if they'd like to get dinner, they assume I mean on a date. 90% of the time, I'm honestly just hungry and looking for someone to go to a restaurant with. Because of this, I've actually started being specific, something I think all people should do when asking another out. You know what I say to a girl when I want to take her on a date?

..."Hey, do you wanna go out on a date?". See what I did there? I actually used the word "date". I always do the first time I ask someone out now. Granted, it's not as "smooth" or "casual" as "Hey, do you want to go to dinner this weekend?", but I can tell you now it's cut down on misconceptions quite a bit. In all honesty, those were mostly my fault to begin with (for instance, asking a girl if she wants to go walk around a park comes off as a "romance" activity, even though I don't mean it that way. I just like walking around parks)

Now, on the other side, we have the moments where the person asked out doesn't realize it's a date. I have yet to be on the awkward end of THAT one, but I've seen it happen. And it's not as amusing as you'd think. It's a bit depressing, really. Say Stan goes and asks his friend Claire out to dinner. Stan happens to like Claire, so he's intending this to be a date.

"Hey Claire, do you want to go to dinner Friday? Say, around 7?" he might say. Claire, knowing this is her FRIEND STAN, agrees to a friendly outing. "Sure," she chirped, "How about that new sushi place on 5th?". Plans are made. Stan is walking on sunshine, having just asked the wonderful Claire out on a date. Claire goes about her day, thinking she just made plans to hang out with a friend and try a new restaurant.

Oh, Stan. Poor, poor Stan. Imagine how he's going to feel when he tries to do date things with Claire. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about things date conversation (we all know it's different from normal small talk), or making the mistake of trying for the good night kiss. Oh, poor Stan. Best case scenario, fantasy level best case, she realizes her undying love for Stan and they live happily ever after (this is not the scenario that ever happens in reality). Worst case scenario, things are so awkward after this that they never get past it, the friendship dies, and they never speak again. I believe on average it's somewhere between those, where later they laugh when it's brought up, but for the sake of friendship both parties pretend it never happened.

The point is, make sure that what YOU think is a date is actually a date.

Lesson 8 - Choose Someone Appropriate

I know, I know. The heart wants what the heart wants. But more often than not, that person you're chasing isn't what your HEART wants. It's what your head wants. Or your loins. Damn loins.

We're all guilty of doing this from time to time, so there's no need to beat around the bush. We chase people we shouldn't be with. And I don't just mean from the shallow, high school, "Oh they're totally out of your league, that person is soooooo hot" standpoint. I mean from the general, use your damn head standpoint. Common interests, chemistry, and yes, physical attraction, are all important. I'm aware that, at least once, we've all been told "opposites attract"... And they do. In magnets. And lust. But you know when opposites can be a pretty bad foundation? For an actual relationship. You and your partner need to have some common interests, likes, dislikes, and to some degree, beliefs.

Here's a good example from when I was in high school. I was interested in this girl, whom we shall call Claire, but she was in no way right for me. It's not that she was a "bad" girl (nor was I a "bad" boy), or anything like that. We just had radically different beliefs, upbringings, musical tastes, and expectations from life. My mom had a good point when, while talking about this girl, she asked "So, what if you marry her and have kids? She's going to want to teach them that the Earth is only 10,000 years old. Are you ok with that?", and, like a stupid kid, my response was something about discussion and compromise. What I should have said, and what I would now say, is nothing. Because I'm not going to try and be with someone who has very firm beliefs that are so different from my own. Likewise, I would never date a Luddite (people who shun technology), someone who never wants children, or a person that thinks Val Kilmer made a better Batman than Micheal Keaton. These are things I know now would bother me endlessly during a relationship, and that's not healthy.

It's not really a difficult concept, when you get down to the core of it. You should choose someone not because you THINK they'd be good for you, or because you could show them off. You should pick the person who IS good for you, and who you still want to spend time with just sitting around doing nothing.

...And in high school, it sucks, but appearance is important. Everyone is pretty shallow at that age, and worried about social standing, so it might not be your best choice to try and get the prom queen. No matter how many interests you share. Things calm down on that as you get older, though.

Intermission - Holidays and Being There

So far, I've been focusing on things to remember for your first few dates. And while I feel that everything I've mentioned so far has been important, I want to take a break to talk about something important to remember late in the relationship.

You see, I have quite a few friends who have been in their relationships for a long time. some of them are married, others are engaged, and some just seem to be eternally "dating". But they've all been with their significant other for a long time, and so I get to observe the things that they do for each other (or don't do, as the case may be), and it really has me thinking about two key things I don't really see enough of.

First, remembering to do special things for holidays and anniversaries. Second, just being there for the person.

Let's start with holidays. Let's say it's Valentine's Day, shall we? I know it's just a hallmark holiday, and quite a few people have no interest in doing anything special for it. Your significant other may even tell you, flat out, that you don't need to do anything. Trust me, you should still do something. Not necessarily because it's V-Day, but because you are involved with another person, and it's ok to show that you care. If you're a guy, send her flowers, maybe get her a box of chocolates. If you're a girl, there's no harm in making dinner, or taking your guy to a movie. There's nothing fancy about this, folks, these are small things that just show the other person "Hey... I kind of adore you". And while you're at it, guys, do something nice for your mother. Personally, I send my mom flowers a few times a year, because you know what? She's my mom, and she deserves it. It's the little things that can make all the difference.

Now, when it comes to just being there.. I cannot understand why this is so hard for people. The entire "job description" as a boyfriend or girlfriend is pretty basic. "Be there". If you've been with someone for, oh, 6 months. And they call you, terribly upset, at 4 in the morning? Answer the phone. I don't care if they're drunk or sober, emotional or not. You've been with them this long, they expect you to be there when they need you, the least you could do is make the effort. I know that no one is going to be there 100% of the time, and so do they. But you still need to make the effort. If a girl I'm dating calls me at 3am, crying and wanting me to be there? Chances are pretty good I'll offer to go to her. Because that's what it means to be in a relationship. It means being there for the other person when they need you. Stop ignoring them, or passing it off as them being clingy. Sure, maybe they are a bit attached, but you're still with them, aren't you? So obviously it's not bothering you THAT much (or you're a douche who just wants the attention).

Start showing up. It's important.

Lesson 7 - Choose Something Appropriate

Now look, I'm going to be honest. First dates where I'm just getting to know a girl, I go for the classics. Things like dinner, or a movie, maybe coffee.. Things like that. Safe things. Things that most people are ok with, and willing to do, and that won't get you killed. That being said, there have been times when I've asked a girl what SHE wanted to do on the first date, and sometimes those responses are.. well.. Not really the kind of thing you do on a first date. So, ladies, if your gentleman asks you what you would like to do, please steer away from the following.

Number 1 - Do not invite them to anything with your parents. I don't care if you're in high school and your folks want to spend every moment of the date with you. Do not put a guy through this. It's intimidating, it's weird, and most importantly, it's not actually a date. It's you hanging out with a guy who thinks you're cute, while your parents watch and scrutinize everything he does. If your parents want to meet him, fine, he needs to show up and make a nice introduction. That doesn't mean they need to sit three rows behind you in a theater, ready to pounce if he puts an arm around you.

Number 2 - Any kind of class. These can be fun, cute, romantic things to do if you've been with someone for a bit. Not for a first date. Cooking class? Do you really want to give a guy you barely know a sharp knife and access to fire? Pottery class? It's cute, sure, but it's also a solid way to say "I'm going to be a crazy cat lady someday" on a first date. My personal favorite was the girl who invited me to her Yoga class. Because, you know, that's an appropriate date. Taking your guy to a place where he can either see attractive and fit women his age bending and being flexible, or he can see women who THINK they're like that, trying to do the same thing. Don't suggest a class, please.

Number 3 - Anything that involves more than 45 minutes straight in a car. I'm serious. If you two have to sit next to each other for too long on the way to a date, there may be blood. Pick something close for a first date, and as your relationship grows, so will your date radius. If you really, REALLY want to do something far away, make it a group thing and bring a few friends. It's for your own sanity.

Number 4 - Weddings. I mean, really? Do I need to explain why this is a bad first date idea? I don't think I do. Just don't do it. Ever. Take a platonic friend if you need a date, leave the poor new guy alone and go out some other time. Weddings are another sure way to make a guy think you're a little crazy and need to just calm it down a notch.

I don't want you to feel singled out by this, ladies. Guys have some pretty bad first date ideas too, I'm sure. For instance, you may want to reconsider if a guy suggests any of the following first dates:

Paintball. (it hurts. Fun, but painful)
Skydiving. (you're going to die)
Scuba diving. (you're going to die, and he'll cop a necro-feel)
Weddings. (he's crazy, and most likely clingy)
A romantic trip out to sea on his boat. (you're going to die)
Dinner with his mother. (guy's got issues)

And a plethora of others that I'm sure exist. I'll have to ask my female friends for examples to provide a better list, but let's start with that.

Remember, if you don't know them, stick to things that everyone enjoys. No point in taking a date to a theme park if they hate all the rides.

Lesson 6 - We Asked You Out, Stop Asking for Reassurance

Ok, so ladies... Can we talk for a moment? Man to women? This one is for you. Let's talk about the things you do at dinner that we, as men, really wish you wouldn't.

First and foremost, remember that we asked you on a date. We. Asked. You. So clearly we find you attractive, want to spend time with you, and pursue you romantically. Please keep that in mind for more than 10 minutes. If you can, remember it the entire night, and failing that, whenever you think you need to fish for a compliment.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've picked a girl up for a date only to have her ask me over dinner "Do I look good in this?", or "Do you think I look pretty tonight?"... Let me be clear. 99% of the time I will tell you "You look really nice today" or "I love the way you look in that dress". I'm a gentleman and it's WHAT WE DO. As such, you do not need to bring it back up, because honestly it just makes you seem dependent on compliments. No one likes when their date spends the entire evening looking for more and more compliments. I asked you to dinner, so clearly I find you attractive and a joy to be around. Yes, I'm sure guys do it too, but I've never gone on a date with a man, so I can't speak from experience. If the guy doesn't compliment your appearance, don't sweat it. Maybe it just didn't seem as important as having an engaging conversation with a lovely woman. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, and believe me when I tell you that he IS thinking of how pretty you look.

Another thing to not talk about? Your ex. I don't care how close you were, or how long you were together, or even what a douchebag he is. Do not, ever, bring up your ex on a date. If he isn't standing behind me with a murderous rage in his eyes, I don't want to know he even exists. Think about how you would feel if the man across from you kept starting sentences with "You know, my ex.."... And don't try to get around it by referring to them by name, or anything like that. Every single time you mention your ex, we take it as a sign you're comparing us to them. And that is a bad thing. Even if we're winning the comparison, it means you're still thinking about him, when you're supposed to be on a date with us. The last thing I want to hear after ordering my martini is "You know, my ex never brought me to any nice places like this". Even if you, your date, and your ex are the only people on a small island, and the only people you know, do not bring them up. Talk about the decor. The music. The menu. ANYTHING but your ex.

If you want to talk about your ex, give them a call. It's obvious they're still on your mind, and you aren't ready to be on a date with someone else.