It's been awhile, yet again, but alas, I was without inspiration, and run-on sentences. But lo, for I have been blessed with a slew of new people in my life, with complaints and troubles I had forgotten! And thus was inspiration born!
There's a saying, that "The heart wants what the heart wants". Now, far be it for me to argue with wise words passed down through the ages, especially when I (to a degree) agree with them. The heart does, in fact, want what it wants. And what it wants is to pump blood so that you can continue living. What it does not want, contrary to what some would have you believe, is for you to be in a relationship that leaves you depressed and miserable. I would wager that the heart does not want that at all. Unless your heart is an asshole.
Is your heart an asshole?
I don't think it is, but it might be. So, I have a coworker now, whom we shall call Myrtle. Myrtle's boyfriend is textbook dickhead. He tells her she's fat (she isn't), and that he is depressed because of her. He provided her the condition that to continue their relationship, she would need to start losing a minimum of 1 pound per day (which is HORRIBLY UNHEALTHY AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IT), and generally treats her as though she is worthless, and is kept around only for purposes of sex with something that isn't attached to his wrist. She has stated, accurately, that her family essentially disowned her for choosing to remain with a drug-addled douche that lives with his parents. She quit college to spend more time with him. She was rather unceremoniously thrown from her lodgings due to his involvement, and thus moved in with him (and his parents) until he decided she needed to leave for being fat, with no warning and nowhere else to go.
I do not think I am alone in stating two points in regards to this. First, that is a horrible relationship to be in. Second, she is a goddamn idiot. I'm no stranger to having people complain about their relationships to me, it's actually a very common occurrence and one that I invite on myself by asking "What's wrong?" when a friend is upset. Recently, I've taken a new approach of asking "Have you talked to them about how you feel?" rather than just providing comfort, because I really feel that communication is key in any kind of relationship. If the answer is no, I tell them to quit bitching to me about their problems and go fix it. In this case, my answer was a bit more blunt, in that I asked why the hell she was complaining to me as I did not in any way invite the conversation, and then when she was done I told her she was a goddamn idiot.
Her response was, and I quote... "No I'm not, he's just all that I want! Just him!"
This is the point in the story, and in any story like this, where I call bullshit. If that were true, you are an emotional masochist who enjoys being insulted, degraded, and treated like gutter trash. And if that were true, you wouldn't need to complain about how you wish things would change, because hey, you don't want them to change. You want to be treated like shit, and at that point, it's whatever floats your boat. But since you are unhappy with the state of things, feel the need to complain, and actively try to better them on occasion, you're not an emotional masochist. What you are, is a goddamn idiot.
See, the heart doesn't want that. And it's not that "Oh, love is blind!".. No. You see the faults, you know they exist, and you do care. This isn't something like "Oh, he leaves the toilet seat up" or "She leaves half-drank sodas in the fridge". These are not small faults. These are character traits, and rather glaring and defining ones. You do not love this person, in fact, you probably strongly dislike them. What you love is being in a relationship, no matter how shitty, instead of being alone. You say that it's what the heart wants, and really, it's not. It's what the scared, timid thing in your mind wants. That inner child that's afraid of being alone.
It is ok for you to be alone. It's ok to be single. It's ok to be an emotional masochist. But recognize what you are doing and why. If you are staying with someone who makes you unhappy and saying it's because that's what your heart wants, as if that's what it really is. Does your heart want to be in a situation that makes you miserable? Or are you just afraid of not being in a relationship? It's ok to be afraid, it really is. Some of these terrible relationships go on for years before they get that bad, and that's a long time to be with someone and give it all up. And I have no doubt that some of those relationships can be saved with a bit of communication and understanding. But if you've been with someone a few months, and they're a complete asshole, there's really nothing to be afraid of, and you need to let it go. It's better in the end, it really is.
The moral of the story here is, your heart doesn't have shit for brains, you're just a goddamn idiot.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lesson 16 - It's Not a Race
For quite some time now, I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is that has caused this... Shift, I suppose, in the mindset of people. I'd like to say there's something easy to place the blame on, like the media, or drugs in the water, but I don't think that's the case.
Sorry, I suppose I should start with what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about people who treat love, dating, and romance as though it's a race.
And, as always, I have an example. Internet dating has become quite popular in recent years, and it's pretty easy to see why. Meeting someone in person is a nerve-wracking, terrifying experience, especially as you get older. When you're in high school, and even college, there's an established social setting wherein it's easy to meet new people, get to know them, and pursue a relationship (it's called "class"). As you get out of school, it becomes more about places like work and bars/clubs.
-Work, by the way, can be highly inappropriate, and is frowned upon, and even forbidden, by many companies because it can be extremely detrimental to a professional environment. Fair warning.
Anyway, example. So, I for instance, have an online dating profile over at okcupid. Have I ever met someone from the site, or tried to start a legitimate relationship due to it? No. That's not to say I'm against it, I've just yet to come across someone where there's mutual interest, and in the meantime have continued to meet and date people from realworldland. But sometimes, I get messages on there which are so entertaining it makes the entire venture worthwhile. Others, I get messages that creep me right the hell out. And sometimes, just sometimes, I get a conversation window (something the site offers that I rarely notice, I usually check it from my phone) that makes me want to pack up and flee the country.
This is a case of the third example.
So, two nights ago, I was relaxing on my couch, laptop open, watching Coupling on television (it's a marvelous, hilarious series, by the way). I decided to pop into OKC and see if anything interesting had floated my way, and I got a little window blip at the bottom right of the screen. Now, I try to be polite when people message me online. I always respond, and if I'm not interested in talking anymore I'm nice about the way I end the conversation. In this instance, I didn't find the woman messaging me to be particularly interesting (her profile was all about dogs, with no information about herself), nor was she particularly attractive to me. But, I know how much it sucks to have someone not only be uninterested, but be a jerk about it, so I tried to be friendly. The standard "Oh, hello. How is your evening, oh mine is going well thank you" with occasional references to a lovely date I had been on recently, and another that was in a few days time (tomorrow actually). Trying to hint "I'm not interested in dating you" without just saying "Leave me the fuck alone".
The nice route failed me. It failed me in such spectacular proportions that I briefly considered setting a kitten on fire. You see, it's not uncommon when starting a conversation on a dating website to compliment the person you are attempting to pursue, in this case she said I was rather cute and had lovely eyes (it's true, my eyes are spectacular). I replied with a polite "Oh, thank you". She replied with "We would have the prettiest babies!!"
Wait, what? Why the hell are you talking about fictional children with a person you've never met and only spoken to via text for... oh... 3 minutes? This is not normal conversation, people. I don't go up to attractive women at Starbucks and say "Oh... You and me? We would have the BEST looking kids". It's creepy. It's so creepy that it's beyond creepy, but I don't think there's actually a word for it yet. Creeptacular. Creepaminjaro.
So she asks me, what would immediately make me lose interest in a person. A fair question, and one I've been known to ask my friends over a few beers because it's always funny to hear what they say. Seeing as I had not had beers, I opted to give the honest answer: If a girl is being creepy, over-attached, or blatantly insane, I will immediately lose interest in them. This is, of course, assuming I interested in them to begin with.
"Well what do you consider creepy or blatantly insane?"... Again, fair question, there can be a bit of a gray area to some people about what constitutes creepy or batshit fucking nuts. "Oh, you know... Calling nonstop, planning what names our children would have before there's any chance of them existing, talking about marriage or meeting the family before a first date... Stalking, that's a good indication of both..." Note that I mentioned the planning of children, specifically because she had already crossed that line.
You may be asking why I even continued talking, instead of blocking her and closing the window right away. To be honest, I was bored and sitting alone in my apartment, and didn't want to be an asshole. That very quickly changed after her next line.
"Marriage? OF COURSE I would marry you! We just need to go on a few dates. Oh, we'll have such pretty babies! Actually, I was just about to order pizza, why don't I just pick one up? What's your address?"
This may seem like a joke. It is worth mentioning she asked me 5 more times for my address, and continued to talk about marrying me. She wanted to go out this weekend, I told her plainly that I was not interested, and besides I have a date already. "Well why would you even bother? I already told you I'll marry you. Don't waste your time with her"
I like to think I have a lot of patience. I like to think I'm a nice guy, no matter how batshit fucking insane the person talking to me gets. I like to think that.
"Ok, look you stupid bitch. I'm trying to be fucking nice here. I'm not interested in you. I'm not interested in dating you, being friends with you, getting to know you, and I'm certainly not going to fucking marry you. I have tried, and tried, and tried, to let you down easy and let you just go off on your own. But you keep. Fucking. Being. Creepy. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to tell someone you've never met and do not know that you would have 'the prettiest babies'. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to take an example of how someone can be OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND, and try to keep bringing it up as a joke, or a way to break the ice." I went on for a bit more about how there was nothing endearing about pestering me for my address and phone number.
"But I wasn't kidding..."
AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. I very rarely block anyone on anything. Ever. I think I blocked maybe two people back in the days of AOL IM, and I knew a lot of annoying people. I've never blocked anyone on Facebook, but I've been very tempted to. So, I went ahead and blocked her.
When I woke up the next day, I had twenty new messages. All from her. All from different accounts. Asking me why I blocked her, and why I wouldn't talk to her, and telling me she loved me.
In retrospect, I should have just titled this something to the effect of "Don't Be Fucking Nuts on the Internet" based on the example. But really, you shouldn't be fucking nuts anywhere, and there's already an entry on that (Lesson 2, for those interested). And really, this is a specific kind of crazy.
There is no race to the finish in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to ever rush the "I love you" line, while there are actually a lot of reasons not to. Being in love can be absolutely terrifying, and absolutely wonderful. But people need to make sure they understand what love is, and know that they're in love, before the say it. It's an awful feeling to be dating someone, and hear "I love you", and know that you don't feel it in return, or even to be unsure about if you feel it. Likewise, it's terrible to say "I love you" and be told they don't feel the same. It's serious business.
And marriage. Yo, fuck you, people who rush the marriage talk. It's a BIG FUCKING DECISION. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. And not just the service, the whole ordeal. If you truly love someone, then yes, by all means get married and have a wonderful life together. I don't want this to sound like a "never get married!" rant. It's a "don't fucking joke about that word" rant. Do not tell the person you've just started dating that you will marry them. Do not tell the person you've NEVER MET that you will marry them. It's not cool. Wait until you've been together for awhile, until you know each other, and until you are positive that yes, this is who you want to spend your life with. Because you know what's more expensive than marriage? Divorce. Of course, that's assuming that the batshit crazy person didn't chain you up in their basement.
Love, romance, and dating are not races. They are a lengthy, enjoyable stroll through the park. Take time to enjoy it and build memories, don't just run for the gate.
Sorry, I suppose I should start with what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about people who treat love, dating, and romance as though it's a race.
And, as always, I have an example. Internet dating has become quite popular in recent years, and it's pretty easy to see why. Meeting someone in person is a nerve-wracking, terrifying experience, especially as you get older. When you're in high school, and even college, there's an established social setting wherein it's easy to meet new people, get to know them, and pursue a relationship (it's called "class"). As you get out of school, it becomes more about places like work and bars/clubs.
-Work, by the way, can be highly inappropriate, and is frowned upon, and even forbidden, by many companies because it can be extremely detrimental to a professional environment. Fair warning.
Anyway, example. So, I for instance, have an online dating profile over at okcupid. Have I ever met someone from the site, or tried to start a legitimate relationship due to it? No. That's not to say I'm against it, I've just yet to come across someone where there's mutual interest, and in the meantime have continued to meet and date people from realworldland. But sometimes, I get messages on there which are so entertaining it makes the entire venture worthwhile. Others, I get messages that creep me right the hell out. And sometimes, just sometimes, I get a conversation window (something the site offers that I rarely notice, I usually check it from my phone) that makes me want to pack up and flee the country.
This is a case of the third example.
So, two nights ago, I was relaxing on my couch, laptop open, watching Coupling on television (it's a marvelous, hilarious series, by the way). I decided to pop into OKC and see if anything interesting had floated my way, and I got a little window blip at the bottom right of the screen. Now, I try to be polite when people message me online. I always respond, and if I'm not interested in talking anymore I'm nice about the way I end the conversation. In this instance, I didn't find the woman messaging me to be particularly interesting (her profile was all about dogs, with no information about herself), nor was she particularly attractive to me. But, I know how much it sucks to have someone not only be uninterested, but be a jerk about it, so I tried to be friendly. The standard "Oh, hello. How is your evening, oh mine is going well thank you" with occasional references to a lovely date I had been on recently, and another that was in a few days time (tomorrow actually). Trying to hint "I'm not interested in dating you" without just saying "Leave me the fuck alone".
The nice route failed me. It failed me in such spectacular proportions that I briefly considered setting a kitten on fire. You see, it's not uncommon when starting a conversation on a dating website to compliment the person you are attempting to pursue, in this case she said I was rather cute and had lovely eyes (it's true, my eyes are spectacular). I replied with a polite "Oh, thank you". She replied with "We would have the prettiest babies!!"
Wait, what? Why the hell are you talking about fictional children with a person you've never met and only spoken to via text for... oh... 3 minutes? This is not normal conversation, people. I don't go up to attractive women at Starbucks and say "Oh... You and me? We would have the BEST looking kids". It's creepy. It's so creepy that it's beyond creepy, but I don't think there's actually a word for it yet. Creeptacular. Creepaminjaro.
So she asks me, what would immediately make me lose interest in a person. A fair question, and one I've been known to ask my friends over a few beers because it's always funny to hear what they say. Seeing as I had not had beers, I opted to give the honest answer: If a girl is being creepy, over-attached, or blatantly insane, I will immediately lose interest in them. This is, of course, assuming I interested in them to begin with.
"Well what do you consider creepy or blatantly insane?"... Again, fair question, there can be a bit of a gray area to some people about what constitutes creepy or batshit fucking nuts. "Oh, you know... Calling nonstop, planning what names our children would have before there's any chance of them existing, talking about marriage or meeting the family before a first date... Stalking, that's a good indication of both..." Note that I mentioned the planning of children, specifically because she had already crossed that line.
You may be asking why I even continued talking, instead of blocking her and closing the window right away. To be honest, I was bored and sitting alone in my apartment, and didn't want to be an asshole. That very quickly changed after her next line.
"Marriage? OF COURSE I would marry you! We just need to go on a few dates. Oh, we'll have such pretty babies! Actually, I was just about to order pizza, why don't I just pick one up? What's your address?"
This may seem like a joke. It is worth mentioning she asked me 5 more times for my address, and continued to talk about marrying me. She wanted to go out this weekend, I told her plainly that I was not interested, and besides I have a date already. "Well why would you even bother? I already told you I'll marry you. Don't waste your time with her"
I like to think I have a lot of patience. I like to think I'm a nice guy, no matter how batshit fucking insane the person talking to me gets. I like to think that.
"Ok, look you stupid bitch. I'm trying to be fucking nice here. I'm not interested in you. I'm not interested in dating you, being friends with you, getting to know you, and I'm certainly not going to fucking marry you. I have tried, and tried, and tried, to let you down easy and let you just go off on your own. But you keep. Fucking. Being. Creepy. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to tell someone you've never met and do not know that you would have 'the prettiest babies'. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to take an example of how someone can be OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND, and try to keep bringing it up as a joke, or a way to break the ice." I went on for a bit more about how there was nothing endearing about pestering me for my address and phone number.
"But I wasn't kidding..."
AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. I very rarely block anyone on anything. Ever. I think I blocked maybe two people back in the days of AOL IM, and I knew a lot of annoying people. I've never blocked anyone on Facebook, but I've been very tempted to. So, I went ahead and blocked her.
When I woke up the next day, I had twenty new messages. All from her. All from different accounts. Asking me why I blocked her, and why I wouldn't talk to her, and telling me she loved me.
In retrospect, I should have just titled this something to the effect of "Don't Be Fucking Nuts on the Internet" based on the example. But really, you shouldn't be fucking nuts anywhere, and there's already an entry on that (Lesson 2, for those interested). And really, this is a specific kind of crazy.
There is no race to the finish in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to ever rush the "I love you" line, while there are actually a lot of reasons not to. Being in love can be absolutely terrifying, and absolutely wonderful. But people need to make sure they understand what love is, and know that they're in love, before the say it. It's an awful feeling to be dating someone, and hear "I love you", and know that you don't feel it in return, or even to be unsure about if you feel it. Likewise, it's terrible to say "I love you" and be told they don't feel the same. It's serious business.
And marriage. Yo, fuck you, people who rush the marriage talk. It's a BIG FUCKING DECISION. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. And not just the service, the whole ordeal. If you truly love someone, then yes, by all means get married and have a wonderful life together. I don't want this to sound like a "never get married!" rant. It's a "don't fucking joke about that word" rant. Do not tell the person you've just started dating that you will marry them. Do not tell the person you've NEVER MET that you will marry them. It's not cool. Wait until you've been together for awhile, until you know each other, and until you are positive that yes, this is who you want to spend your life with. Because you know what's more expensive than marriage? Divorce. Of course, that's assuming that the batshit crazy person didn't chain you up in their basement.
Love, romance, and dating are not races. They are a lengthy, enjoyable stroll through the park. Take time to enjoy it and build memories, don't just run for the gate.
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