It was inevitable that I would write an entry about this. I mean, come on. Speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and knows many people who have been cheated on, it was going to happen. Most people out there reading this (or anything, really) will either cheat on someone or be cheated on. It sucks, but hey, that's life. I really wish it weren't, though.
Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.
So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.
If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.
If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lesson 12 - Don't be a Slob. It's Never Okay.
So, let's be honest. We all have that moment when we're a little too comfortable around people, and we do something disgusting, don't we? Maybe it's when you're out with the guys, and you let rip an epic fart. Or you go to a house party, drop a deuce, and let the smell linger. It happens, we all slip up from time to time. Maybe it's something as simple as leaving your socks on the floor of the living room. Everyone has a slob moment, and that's ok. As long as it's just a moment.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Lesson 11 - "It's fine!"... And Why It's a Trap.
You know, sometimes I look back on my high school years, and I wish Admiral Ackbar had been two steps behind me to yell "It's a trap!". Not just for dating, mind you, but for a plethora of other things. This is not, however, about my life story, it's about dating. So we'll stick with that.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.
"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.
See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.
Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.
And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.
I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!
I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.
"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.
See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.
Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.
And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.
I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Lesson 10 - Dating Is Not a Romantic Comedy
Oh hello again. It's been a little while, hasn't it? Sorry about that, I hit a bit of a stumbling block and ran out of ideas to type about. No worries, however, after speaking to one of my women friends I have a few more. Let's get started shall we?
I know that you love that movie with Ryan Gosling. I mean, he is gorgeous, I can see why you love it. The Notebook, or what have you? The problem is that so many people think that's how real life plays out, and it simply isn't.
Let's go ahead and review a typical series of events from a RomCom, shall we?
Boy sees girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected. Boy falls back on perserverance, and does something borderline stalkerish to impress girl. Girl is somewhat smitten, but still unsure. Boy makes grand display of affection, potentially embarassing self and girl, and again borderline stalkerish. Girl falls for boy, love commences and lasts forever.
Is that about how it goes? Something along those lines? Maybe?
Let's go ahead and take that series of events and look at it through a more realistic viewpoint.
Boy sees girl is bound to happen at some point. The falling in love is a bit soon, it's probably more appropriate to say "Boy is attracted to girl" at this point.
Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected.. Ok, look. I've been rejected before. There is not a damn thing about it that is comical for the recieving party. It hurts, that's all there is to it. And if, like in the movies, the girl is actually secretly interested in you? That's WORSE. Because then not only is she rejecting you, potentially in front of many of your peers, but she's doing it for no good reason. And that's just cruel.
Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".
If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.
I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.
Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.
Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".
If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.
I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.
Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Lesson 9 - Stop Assuming It's A Date
Ladies. Let me be clear... This is not in any way something you do that is your fault. I mean, yeah, it's kind of your fault. But mostly it's the fault of society, and occasionally a flirtatious guy who's hard to read.
When we ask you out, it's not always a date. Likewise, gents, if she says yes she may not think it's a date.
Let me elaborate... So, I tend to be a bit flirty. I do things like compliment my female friends, tell them they look nice, etc. If we go out to eat I may pay for them, or buy them a drink. This doesn't mean, to me, that I'm trying to date them. It's just how I am. I do it for my guy friends, too, but people seem to not notice that part. It is apparently because I am "that guy", that when I ask female friends of mine if they'd like to get dinner, they assume I mean on a date. 90% of the time, I'm honestly just hungry and looking for someone to go to a restaurant with. Because of this, I've actually started being specific, something I think all people should do when asking another out. You know what I say to a girl when I want to take her on a date?
..."Hey, do you wanna go out on a date?". See what I did there? I actually used the word "date". I always do the first time I ask someone out now. Granted, it's not as "smooth" or "casual" as "Hey, do you want to go to dinner this weekend?", but I can tell you now it's cut down on misconceptions quite a bit. In all honesty, those were mostly my fault to begin with (for instance, asking a girl if she wants to go walk around a park comes off as a "romance" activity, even though I don't mean it that way. I just like walking around parks)
Now, on the other side, we have the moments where the person asked out doesn't realize it's a date. I have yet to be on the awkward end of THAT one, but I've seen it happen. And it's not as amusing as you'd think. It's a bit depressing, really. Say Stan goes and asks his friend Claire out to dinner. Stan happens to like Claire, so he's intending this to be a date.
"Hey Claire, do you want to go to dinner Friday? Say, around 7?" he might say. Claire, knowing this is her FRIEND STAN, agrees to a friendly outing. "Sure," she chirped, "How about that new sushi place on 5th?". Plans are made. Stan is walking on sunshine, having just asked the wonderful Claire out on a date. Claire goes about her day, thinking she just made plans to hang out with a friend and try a new restaurant.
Oh, Stan. Poor, poor Stan. Imagine how he's going to feel when he tries to do date things with Claire. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about things date conversation (we all know it's different from normal small talk), or making the mistake of trying for the good night kiss. Oh, poor Stan. Best case scenario, fantasy level best case, she realizes her undying love for Stan and they live happily ever after (this is not the scenario that ever happens in reality). Worst case scenario, things are so awkward after this that they never get past it, the friendship dies, and they never speak again. I believe on average it's somewhere between those, where later they laugh when it's brought up, but for the sake of friendship both parties pretend it never happened.
The point is, make sure that what YOU think is a date is actually a date.
When we ask you out, it's not always a date. Likewise, gents, if she says yes she may not think it's a date.
Let me elaborate... So, I tend to be a bit flirty. I do things like compliment my female friends, tell them they look nice, etc. If we go out to eat I may pay for them, or buy them a drink. This doesn't mean, to me, that I'm trying to date them. It's just how I am. I do it for my guy friends, too, but people seem to not notice that part. It is apparently because I am "that guy", that when I ask female friends of mine if they'd like to get dinner, they assume I mean on a date. 90% of the time, I'm honestly just hungry and looking for someone to go to a restaurant with. Because of this, I've actually started being specific, something I think all people should do when asking another out. You know what I say to a girl when I want to take her on a date?
..."Hey, do you wanna go out on a date?". See what I did there? I actually used the word "date". I always do the first time I ask someone out now. Granted, it's not as "smooth" or "casual" as "Hey, do you want to go to dinner this weekend?", but I can tell you now it's cut down on misconceptions quite a bit. In all honesty, those were mostly my fault to begin with (for instance, asking a girl if she wants to go walk around a park comes off as a "romance" activity, even though I don't mean it that way. I just like walking around parks)
Now, on the other side, we have the moments where the person asked out doesn't realize it's a date. I have yet to be on the awkward end of THAT one, but I've seen it happen. And it's not as amusing as you'd think. It's a bit depressing, really. Say Stan goes and asks his friend Claire out to dinner. Stan happens to like Claire, so he's intending this to be a date.
"Hey Claire, do you want to go to dinner Friday? Say, around 7?" he might say. Claire, knowing this is her FRIEND STAN, agrees to a friendly outing. "Sure," she chirped, "How about that new sushi place on 5th?". Plans are made. Stan is walking on sunshine, having just asked the wonderful Claire out on a date. Claire goes about her day, thinking she just made plans to hang out with a friend and try a new restaurant.
Oh, Stan. Poor, poor Stan. Imagine how he's going to feel when he tries to do date things with Claire. Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about things date conversation (we all know it's different from normal small talk), or making the mistake of trying for the good night kiss. Oh, poor Stan. Best case scenario, fantasy level best case, she realizes her undying love for Stan and they live happily ever after (this is not the scenario that ever happens in reality). Worst case scenario, things are so awkward after this that they never get past it, the friendship dies, and they never speak again. I believe on average it's somewhere between those, where later they laugh when it's brought up, but for the sake of friendship both parties pretend it never happened.
The point is, make sure that what YOU think is a date is actually a date.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)