I know, I know. The heart wants what the heart wants. But more often than not, that person you're chasing isn't what your HEART wants. It's what your head wants. Or your loins. Damn loins.
We're all guilty of doing this from time to time, so there's no need to beat around the bush. We chase people we shouldn't be with. And I don't just mean from the shallow, high school, "Oh they're totally out of your league, that person is soooooo hot" standpoint. I mean from the general, use your damn head standpoint. Common interests, chemistry, and yes, physical attraction, are all important. I'm aware that, at least once, we've all been told "opposites attract"... And they do. In magnets. And lust. But you know when opposites can be a pretty bad foundation? For an actual relationship. You and your partner need to have some common interests, likes, dislikes, and to some degree, beliefs.
Here's a good example from when I was in high school. I was interested in this girl, whom we shall call Claire, but she was in no way right for me. It's not that she was a "bad" girl (nor was I a "bad" boy), or anything like that. We just had radically different beliefs, upbringings, musical tastes, and expectations from life. My mom had a good point when, while talking about this girl, she asked "So, what if you marry her and have kids? She's going to want to teach them that the Earth is only 10,000 years old. Are you ok with that?", and, like a stupid kid, my response was something about discussion and compromise. What I should have said, and what I would now say, is nothing. Because I'm not going to try and be with someone who has very firm beliefs that are so different from my own. Likewise, I would never date a Luddite (people who shun technology), someone who never wants children, or a person that thinks Val Kilmer made a better Batman than Micheal Keaton. These are things I know now would bother me endlessly during a relationship, and that's not healthy.
It's not really a difficult concept, when you get down to the core of it. You should choose someone not because you THINK they'd be good for you, or because you could show them off. You should pick the person who IS good for you, and who you still want to spend time with just sitting around doing nothing.
...And in high school, it sucks, but appearance is important. Everyone is pretty shallow at that age, and worried about social standing, so it might not be your best choice to try and get the prom queen. No matter how many interests you share. Things calm down on that as you get older, though.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Intermission - Holidays and Being There
So far, I've been focusing on things to remember for your first few dates. And while I feel that everything I've mentioned so far has been important, I want to take a break to talk about something important to remember late in the relationship.
You see, I have quite a few friends who have been in their relationships for a long time. some of them are married, others are engaged, and some just seem to be eternally "dating". But they've all been with their significant other for a long time, and so I get to observe the things that they do for each other (or don't do, as the case may be), and it really has me thinking about two key things I don't really see enough of.
First, remembering to do special things for holidays and anniversaries. Second, just being there for the person.
Let's start with holidays. Let's say it's Valentine's Day, shall we? I know it's just a hallmark holiday, and quite a few people have no interest in doing anything special for it. Your significant other may even tell you, flat out, that you don't need to do anything. Trust me, you should still do something. Not necessarily because it's V-Day, but because you are involved with another person, and it's ok to show that you care. If you're a guy, send her flowers, maybe get her a box of chocolates. If you're a girl, there's no harm in making dinner, or taking your guy to a movie. There's nothing fancy about this, folks, these are small things that just show the other person "Hey... I kind of adore you". And while you're at it, guys, do something nice for your mother. Personally, I send my mom flowers a few times a year, because you know what? She's my mom, and she deserves it. It's the little things that can make all the difference.
Now, when it comes to just being there.. I cannot understand why this is so hard for people. The entire "job description" as a boyfriend or girlfriend is pretty basic. "Be there". If you've been with someone for, oh, 6 months. And they call you, terribly upset, at 4 in the morning? Answer the phone. I don't care if they're drunk or sober, emotional or not. You've been with them this long, they expect you to be there when they need you, the least you could do is make the effort. I know that no one is going to be there 100% of the time, and so do they. But you still need to make the effort. If a girl I'm dating calls me at 3am, crying and wanting me to be there? Chances are pretty good I'll offer to go to her. Because that's what it means to be in a relationship. It means being there for the other person when they need you. Stop ignoring them, or passing it off as them being clingy. Sure, maybe they are a bit attached, but you're still with them, aren't you? So obviously it's not bothering you THAT much (or you're a douche who just wants the attention).
Start showing up. It's important.
You see, I have quite a few friends who have been in their relationships for a long time. some of them are married, others are engaged, and some just seem to be eternally "dating". But they've all been with their significant other for a long time, and so I get to observe the things that they do for each other (or don't do, as the case may be), and it really has me thinking about two key things I don't really see enough of.
First, remembering to do special things for holidays and anniversaries. Second, just being there for the person.
Let's start with holidays. Let's say it's Valentine's Day, shall we? I know it's just a hallmark holiday, and quite a few people have no interest in doing anything special for it. Your significant other may even tell you, flat out, that you don't need to do anything. Trust me, you should still do something. Not necessarily because it's V-Day, but because you are involved with another person, and it's ok to show that you care. If you're a guy, send her flowers, maybe get her a box of chocolates. If you're a girl, there's no harm in making dinner, or taking your guy to a movie. There's nothing fancy about this, folks, these are small things that just show the other person "Hey... I kind of adore you". And while you're at it, guys, do something nice for your mother. Personally, I send my mom flowers a few times a year, because you know what? She's my mom, and she deserves it. It's the little things that can make all the difference.
Now, when it comes to just being there.. I cannot understand why this is so hard for people. The entire "job description" as a boyfriend or girlfriend is pretty basic. "Be there". If you've been with someone for, oh, 6 months. And they call you, terribly upset, at 4 in the morning? Answer the phone. I don't care if they're drunk or sober, emotional or not. You've been with them this long, they expect you to be there when they need you, the least you could do is make the effort. I know that no one is going to be there 100% of the time, and so do they. But you still need to make the effort. If a girl I'm dating calls me at 3am, crying and wanting me to be there? Chances are pretty good I'll offer to go to her. Because that's what it means to be in a relationship. It means being there for the other person when they need you. Stop ignoring them, or passing it off as them being clingy. Sure, maybe they are a bit attached, but you're still with them, aren't you? So obviously it's not bothering you THAT much (or you're a douche who just wants the attention).
Start showing up. It's important.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Lesson 7 - Choose Something Appropriate
Now look, I'm going to be honest. First dates where I'm just getting to know a girl, I go for the classics. Things like dinner, or a movie, maybe coffee.. Things like that. Safe things. Things that most people are ok with, and willing to do, and that won't get you killed. That being said, there have been times when I've asked a girl what SHE wanted to do on the first date, and sometimes those responses are.. well.. Not really the kind of thing you do on a first date. So, ladies, if your gentleman asks you what you would like to do, please steer away from the following.
Number 1 - Do not invite them to anything with your parents. I don't care if you're in high school and your folks want to spend every moment of the date with you. Do not put a guy through this. It's intimidating, it's weird, and most importantly, it's not actually a date. It's you hanging out with a guy who thinks you're cute, while your parents watch and scrutinize everything he does. If your parents want to meet him, fine, he needs to show up and make a nice introduction. That doesn't mean they need to sit three rows behind you in a theater, ready to pounce if he puts an arm around you.
Number 2 - Any kind of class. These can be fun, cute, romantic things to do if you've been with someone for a bit. Not for a first date. Cooking class? Do you really want to give a guy you barely know a sharp knife and access to fire? Pottery class? It's cute, sure, but it's also a solid way to say "I'm going to be a crazy cat lady someday" on a first date. My personal favorite was the girl who invited me to her Yoga class. Because, you know, that's an appropriate date. Taking your guy to a place where he can either see attractive and fit women his age bending and being flexible, or he can see women who THINK they're like that, trying to do the same thing. Don't suggest a class, please.
Number 3 - Anything that involves more than 45 minutes straight in a car. I'm serious. If you two have to sit next to each other for too long on the way to a date, there may be blood. Pick something close for a first date, and as your relationship grows, so will your date radius. If you really, REALLY want to do something far away, make it a group thing and bring a few friends. It's for your own sanity.
Number 4 - Weddings. I mean, really? Do I need to explain why this is a bad first date idea? I don't think I do. Just don't do it. Ever. Take a platonic friend if you need a date, leave the poor new guy alone and go out some other time. Weddings are another sure way to make a guy think you're a little crazy and need to just calm it down a notch.
I don't want you to feel singled out by this, ladies. Guys have some pretty bad first date ideas too, I'm sure. For instance, you may want to reconsider if a guy suggests any of the following first dates:
Paintball. (it hurts. Fun, but painful)
Skydiving. (you're going to die)
Scuba diving. (you're going to die, and he'll cop a necro-feel)
Weddings. (he's crazy, and most likely clingy)
A romantic trip out to sea on his boat. (you're going to die)
Dinner with his mother. (guy's got issues)
And a plethora of others that I'm sure exist. I'll have to ask my female friends for examples to provide a better list, but let's start with that.
Remember, if you don't know them, stick to things that everyone enjoys. No point in taking a date to a theme park if they hate all the rides.
Number 1 - Do not invite them to anything with your parents. I don't care if you're in high school and your folks want to spend every moment of the date with you. Do not put a guy through this. It's intimidating, it's weird, and most importantly, it's not actually a date. It's you hanging out with a guy who thinks you're cute, while your parents watch and scrutinize everything he does. If your parents want to meet him, fine, he needs to show up and make a nice introduction. That doesn't mean they need to sit three rows behind you in a theater, ready to pounce if he puts an arm around you.
Number 2 - Any kind of class. These can be fun, cute, romantic things to do if you've been with someone for a bit. Not for a first date. Cooking class? Do you really want to give a guy you barely know a sharp knife and access to fire? Pottery class? It's cute, sure, but it's also a solid way to say "I'm going to be a crazy cat lady someday" on a first date. My personal favorite was the girl who invited me to her Yoga class. Because, you know, that's an appropriate date. Taking your guy to a place where he can either see attractive and fit women his age bending and being flexible, or he can see women who THINK they're like that, trying to do the same thing. Don't suggest a class, please.
Number 3 - Anything that involves more than 45 minutes straight in a car. I'm serious. If you two have to sit next to each other for too long on the way to a date, there may be blood. Pick something close for a first date, and as your relationship grows, so will your date radius. If you really, REALLY want to do something far away, make it a group thing and bring a few friends. It's for your own sanity.
Number 4 - Weddings. I mean, really? Do I need to explain why this is a bad first date idea? I don't think I do. Just don't do it. Ever. Take a platonic friend if you need a date, leave the poor new guy alone and go out some other time. Weddings are another sure way to make a guy think you're a little crazy and need to just calm it down a notch.
I don't want you to feel singled out by this, ladies. Guys have some pretty bad first date ideas too, I'm sure. For instance, you may want to reconsider if a guy suggests any of the following first dates:
Paintball. (it hurts. Fun, but painful)
Skydiving. (you're going to die)
Scuba diving. (you're going to die, and he'll cop a necro-feel)
Weddings. (he's crazy, and most likely clingy)
A romantic trip out to sea on his boat. (you're going to die)
Dinner with his mother. (guy's got issues)
And a plethora of others that I'm sure exist. I'll have to ask my female friends for examples to provide a better list, but let's start with that.
Remember, if you don't know them, stick to things that everyone enjoys. No point in taking a date to a theme park if they hate all the rides.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Lesson 6 - We Asked You Out, Stop Asking for Reassurance
Ok, so ladies... Can we talk for a moment? Man to women? This one is for you. Let's talk about the things you do at dinner that we, as men, really wish you wouldn't.
First and foremost, remember that we asked you on a date. We. Asked. You. So clearly we find you attractive, want to spend time with you, and pursue you romantically. Please keep that in mind for more than 10 minutes. If you can, remember it the entire night, and failing that, whenever you think you need to fish for a compliment.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've picked a girl up for a date only to have her ask me over dinner "Do I look good in this?", or "Do you think I look pretty tonight?"... Let me be clear. 99% of the time I will tell you "You look really nice today" or "I love the way you look in that dress". I'm a gentleman and it's WHAT WE DO. As such, you do not need to bring it back up, because honestly it just makes you seem dependent on compliments. No one likes when their date spends the entire evening looking for more and more compliments. I asked you to dinner, so clearly I find you attractive and a joy to be around. Yes, I'm sure guys do it too, but I've never gone on a date with a man, so I can't speak from experience. If the guy doesn't compliment your appearance, don't sweat it. Maybe it just didn't seem as important as having an engaging conversation with a lovely woman. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, and believe me when I tell you that he IS thinking of how pretty you look.
Another thing to not talk about? Your ex. I don't care how close you were, or how long you were together, or even what a douchebag he is. Do not, ever, bring up your ex on a date. If he isn't standing behind me with a murderous rage in his eyes, I don't want to know he even exists. Think about how you would feel if the man across from you kept starting sentences with "You know, my ex.."... And don't try to get around it by referring to them by name, or anything like that. Every single time you mention your ex, we take it as a sign you're comparing us to them. And that is a bad thing. Even if we're winning the comparison, it means you're still thinking about him, when you're supposed to be on a date with us. The last thing I want to hear after ordering my martini is "You know, my ex never brought me to any nice places like this". Even if you, your date, and your ex are the only people on a small island, and the only people you know, do not bring them up. Talk about the decor. The music. The menu. ANYTHING but your ex.
If you want to talk about your ex, give them a call. It's obvious they're still on your mind, and you aren't ready to be on a date with someone else.
First and foremost, remember that we asked you on a date. We. Asked. You. So clearly we find you attractive, want to spend time with you, and pursue you romantically. Please keep that in mind for more than 10 minutes. If you can, remember it the entire night, and failing that, whenever you think you need to fish for a compliment.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've picked a girl up for a date only to have her ask me over dinner "Do I look good in this?", or "Do you think I look pretty tonight?"... Let me be clear. 99% of the time I will tell you "You look really nice today" or "I love the way you look in that dress". I'm a gentleman and it's WHAT WE DO. As such, you do not need to bring it back up, because honestly it just makes you seem dependent on compliments. No one likes when their date spends the entire evening looking for more and more compliments. I asked you to dinner, so clearly I find you attractive and a joy to be around. Yes, I'm sure guys do it too, but I've never gone on a date with a man, so I can't speak from experience. If the guy doesn't compliment your appearance, don't sweat it. Maybe it just didn't seem as important as having an engaging conversation with a lovely woman. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, and believe me when I tell you that he IS thinking of how pretty you look.
Another thing to not talk about? Your ex. I don't care how close you were, or how long you were together, or even what a douchebag he is. Do not, ever, bring up your ex on a date. If he isn't standing behind me with a murderous rage in his eyes, I don't want to know he even exists. Think about how you would feel if the man across from you kept starting sentences with "You know, my ex.."... And don't try to get around it by referring to them by name, or anything like that. Every single time you mention your ex, we take it as a sign you're comparing us to them. And that is a bad thing. Even if we're winning the comparison, it means you're still thinking about him, when you're supposed to be on a date with us. The last thing I want to hear after ordering my martini is "You know, my ex never brought me to any nice places like this". Even if you, your date, and your ex are the only people on a small island, and the only people you know, do not bring them up. Talk about the decor. The music. The menu. ANYTHING but your ex.
If you want to talk about your ex, give them a call. It's obvious they're still on your mind, and you aren't ready to be on a date with someone else.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Lesson 5 - Don't be a Drunk Rabbit.
Ok, so let's just get this out there. Drinking can be nice. It relaxes you, a lot of alcoholic drinks are tasty, and it's a very adult thing to order at dinner.
That being said, don't be a god damn drunk. You know who you are. I'm talking about those people who order way too much to drink at dinner, get sloshed (even "tipsy" is a bit rude). I was just talking with one of my women friends, and she made a good point on the matter... Don't order more than two alcoholic drinks. It's a good, safe number. You know you're going to be eating, and you should know your own tolerance by now. If you and your date opt for a bottle of wine? Don't go chugging it all down, because then you're not just a drunk, but you're selfish.
So, let's set the stage.. You're at dinner, a fairly nice restaurant... Nothing too expensive, mind you, this is a first or second date, but not a McDonald's either. Maybe an Italian place? Italian is classy. You have the menu in front of you, your date orders a martini, you order whatever you choose, perhaps some wine. Don't just get water. Speaking as a man who makes a habit of paying for the women he takes on dates, it's a bit annoying. To me, when I order a martini and you just ask for a glass of water, you're thinking to yourself that you need to keep the meal cheap since I'm paying for you. If someone asks you to dinner, and they know they're paying, I'm willing to bet they'll choose a restaurant they know is within their price range if you get a drink or two with your meal. You can order water after you have one or two actual drinks, I promise they won't kill you.
Speaking of dinner... what do you order?
I'll tell you what you don't order. The damn side salad. If you're not a vegetarian, you have no business ordering a side salad for dinner. And even if you ARE a vegetarian, get one of the entree salads. If you want pasta, order the pasta. The person sitting across from you isn't going to think less of you if you order a steak, either, as long as you know how to use a fork and knife to eat it. It's ok to order what you really want, as long as it's not the side salad.
Or, actually, the most expensive thing on the menu. I'm not talking about the restaurants where everything is within a few dollars of everything else on the menu with this, mind you. You know the restaurants I mean, where they have one or two items which are, for no apparent reason, considerably more expensive. There's a pretty nice Italian place here, for instance, that has one dish which costs as much as three other entrees combined. For no reason. I've had it, it's really not that great, and certainly not better than their pasta with bolognese sauce. If you happen to see that mysteriously expensive item on your menu, just avoid it, and get something else. It's rude to assume your date is poor, but it's a pretty mean move to assume they want you to make the meal cost as much as you can.
If you want dessert, that's up to you. Order whatever. It's all delicious. Tiramisu is one of my personal favorites.
That being said, don't be a god damn drunk. You know who you are. I'm talking about those people who order way too much to drink at dinner, get sloshed (even "tipsy" is a bit rude). I was just talking with one of my women friends, and she made a good point on the matter... Don't order more than two alcoholic drinks. It's a good, safe number. You know you're going to be eating, and you should know your own tolerance by now. If you and your date opt for a bottle of wine? Don't go chugging it all down, because then you're not just a drunk, but you're selfish.
So, let's set the stage.. You're at dinner, a fairly nice restaurant... Nothing too expensive, mind you, this is a first or second date, but not a McDonald's either. Maybe an Italian place? Italian is classy. You have the menu in front of you, your date orders a martini, you order whatever you choose, perhaps some wine. Don't just get water. Speaking as a man who makes a habit of paying for the women he takes on dates, it's a bit annoying. To me, when I order a martini and you just ask for a glass of water, you're thinking to yourself that you need to keep the meal cheap since I'm paying for you. If someone asks you to dinner, and they know they're paying, I'm willing to bet they'll choose a restaurant they know is within their price range if you get a drink or two with your meal. You can order water after you have one or two actual drinks, I promise they won't kill you.
Speaking of dinner... what do you order?
I'll tell you what you don't order. The damn side salad. If you're not a vegetarian, you have no business ordering a side salad for dinner. And even if you ARE a vegetarian, get one of the entree salads. If you want pasta, order the pasta. The person sitting across from you isn't going to think less of you if you order a steak, either, as long as you know how to use a fork and knife to eat it. It's ok to order what you really want, as long as it's not the side salad.
Or, actually, the most expensive thing on the menu. I'm not talking about the restaurants where everything is within a few dollars of everything else on the menu with this, mind you. You know the restaurants I mean, where they have one or two items which are, for no apparent reason, considerably more expensive. There's a pretty nice Italian place here, for instance, that has one dish which costs as much as three other entrees combined. For no reason. I've had it, it's really not that great, and certainly not better than their pasta with bolognese sauce. If you happen to see that mysteriously expensive item on your menu, just avoid it, and get something else. It's rude to assume your date is poor, but it's a pretty mean move to assume they want you to make the meal cost as much as you can.
If you want dessert, that's up to you. Order whatever. It's all delicious. Tiramisu is one of my personal favorites.
Lesson 4.5 - To Kiss or Not To Kiss. It's not really a question.
Just because you pay for dinner and a movie, that does not entitle you to some lip action.
Just because you pick her up for the date, that does not entitle you to kisses.
I don't care if you brought flowers, chocolates, and a full marching band. On a first date, you are not entitled to a kiss. She's a woman, not a hooker. And even if she IS a hooker, this is a date, not her business hours.
That being said, ladies? Just because he did those things doesn't mean he wants to kiss you.
Play it by ear and feel it out. Being nervous is one thing, but there are some pretty clear signs when a person doesn't want to kiss you. Like if they lean away, or keep moving closer to the door saying "Well, I should really get going/get to bed". Let it go. Hell, you might not even get a hug (although it's kinda polite). And don't be some creeper and try to cop a feel on the first date. Show some class.
Just because you pick her up for the date, that does not entitle you to kisses.
I don't care if you brought flowers, chocolates, and a full marching band. On a first date, you are not entitled to a kiss. She's a woman, not a hooker. And even if she IS a hooker, this is a date, not her business hours.
That being said, ladies? Just because he did those things doesn't mean he wants to kiss you.
Play it by ear and feel it out. Being nervous is one thing, but there are some pretty clear signs when a person doesn't want to kiss you. Like if they lean away, or keep moving closer to the door saying "Well, I should really get going/get to bed". Let it go. Hell, you might not even get a hug (although it's kinda polite). And don't be some creeper and try to cop a feel on the first date. Show some class.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Lesson 4 - Pick Them Up
I don't mean physically lift them off the ground, of course. That would be creepy. I mean get in a car/truck and go to their place of residence, and drive them for the evening of your date.
Notice I did not say "van". What are you, a creeper trying to lure in kids?
This is a pretty simple one, and honestly it's an example of the little things that count. When you ask someone on a date, plan on going to get them. For example, say you ask Suzie on a date.
"Hey Suzie, would you like to go to dinner with me this Saturday night?"
"Why sure, Hank, I would love to!"
"Great, I'll pick you up at 7!"
See that? Right there? "I'll pick you up". Meeting at the restaurant is something that friends do, and most of the time even friends carpool. Saying you want to meet a date somewhere instead of picking them up shows one thing. One very large, very blatant thing, to a potential date.
Fear.
You are trying to make sure that if the evening goes sour, you have a way out. You may THINK you're being polite and offering them the way out, but you aren't. Obviously they already want to go with you, they said yes. But when you say something like "Awesome, I'll meet you at the theater at 7", you're saying "I'm afraid this won't go as well as I hope, and I want to avoid being stuck in a car with you". I admit, it really sucks to take someone out for a date, have the evening be terrible, and then have to sit in the car with them on the ride home. It sucks for everyone. But you know what? That's the risk you take. And even on absolutely horrible dates, you have to endure what? 20 minutes of listening to the radio? The radio is not that bad, my friend. Pick your date up, it's good form.
And while we're at it, let's discuss HOW to pick up your date for the evening. Oh yes. There are things you should be ready to do.
First and foremost? Clean your car. Inside and out. Make it clean, and get a decent air freshener. No one wants to be picked up for a first date in a muddy, trash filled monstrosity. You may like the comfort zone your mess provides, but that doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Second.. Walk up to the door. Don't just text or call your date to say you're there, waiting outside in the car for them. It's rude and impatient. Have the courtesy to turn the car off, walk to the door, and knock like an adult. If someone else answers the door and you don't know them, introduce yourself before you ask if Suzie is there. Make small talk, be polite. Turn on some of that charm.
Third, open the door for your date. It's good form. It doesn't matter if it's their car door, the door to a restaurant, or the gate on a fence. If it isn't the door to their house/dorm/apartment, it's good form. Opening the door to their house for them is a bit creepy, though.
Now, when you take your date home, very similar rules apply, just in reverse.
Open the door when you get back to your car/truck. Again, GOOD FORM.
When you get back to their place, turn the car off and get out with them. Walk them to the door. I realize it's ten feet, and they're unlikely to be mugged in the driveway. That doesn't matter. It's polite, good manners, and dammit, it's.. Say it with me... Good. Form.
Be polite and talk on the walk, too. Tell them what a nice evening you had. Even if it was absolutely terrible, focus on the good parts of the evening. Did she look nice? Was the movie funny? Was that waiter really the guy from Duran Duran? Chat a bit. Be interested in them and whether or not they enjoyed themselves.
Now, in the time it takes for you to get back to your car, open the door, and sit down, they should be in the door. Drive away, it's totally ok. Don't text or call them five minutes later, you're not a stalker... And if you are, stop stalking people, it's weird.
I suppose it's only fair to mention that sometimes, just sometimes, your date will actually suggest meeting you there rather than being picked up. It's totally ok in that circumstance to meet. They're suggesting it, not you. If they want an out, let them have it. Don't be a jerk.
Notice I did not say "van". What are you, a creeper trying to lure in kids?
This is a pretty simple one, and honestly it's an example of the little things that count. When you ask someone on a date, plan on going to get them. For example, say you ask Suzie on a date.
"Hey Suzie, would you like to go to dinner with me this Saturday night?"
"Why sure, Hank, I would love to!"
"Great, I'll pick you up at 7!"
See that? Right there? "I'll pick you up". Meeting at the restaurant is something that friends do, and most of the time even friends carpool. Saying you want to meet a date somewhere instead of picking them up shows one thing. One very large, very blatant thing, to a potential date.
Fear.
You are trying to make sure that if the evening goes sour, you have a way out. You may THINK you're being polite and offering them the way out, but you aren't. Obviously they already want to go with you, they said yes. But when you say something like "Awesome, I'll meet you at the theater at 7", you're saying "I'm afraid this won't go as well as I hope, and I want to avoid being stuck in a car with you". I admit, it really sucks to take someone out for a date, have the evening be terrible, and then have to sit in the car with them on the ride home. It sucks for everyone. But you know what? That's the risk you take. And even on absolutely horrible dates, you have to endure what? 20 minutes of listening to the radio? The radio is not that bad, my friend. Pick your date up, it's good form.
And while we're at it, let's discuss HOW to pick up your date for the evening. Oh yes. There are things you should be ready to do.
First and foremost? Clean your car. Inside and out. Make it clean, and get a decent air freshener. No one wants to be picked up for a first date in a muddy, trash filled monstrosity. You may like the comfort zone your mess provides, but that doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Second.. Walk up to the door. Don't just text or call your date to say you're there, waiting outside in the car for them. It's rude and impatient. Have the courtesy to turn the car off, walk to the door, and knock like an adult. If someone else answers the door and you don't know them, introduce yourself before you ask if Suzie is there. Make small talk, be polite. Turn on some of that charm.
Third, open the door for your date. It's good form. It doesn't matter if it's their car door, the door to a restaurant, or the gate on a fence. If it isn't the door to their house/dorm/apartment, it's good form. Opening the door to their house for them is a bit creepy, though.
Now, when you take your date home, very similar rules apply, just in reverse.
Open the door when you get back to your car/truck. Again, GOOD FORM.
When you get back to their place, turn the car off and get out with them. Walk them to the door. I realize it's ten feet, and they're unlikely to be mugged in the driveway. That doesn't matter. It's polite, good manners, and dammit, it's.. Say it with me... Good. Form.
Be polite and talk on the walk, too. Tell them what a nice evening you had. Even if it was absolutely terrible, focus on the good parts of the evening. Did she look nice? Was the movie funny? Was that waiter really the guy from Duran Duran? Chat a bit. Be interested in them and whether or not they enjoyed themselves.
Now, in the time it takes for you to get back to your car, open the door, and sit down, they should be in the door. Drive away, it's totally ok. Don't text or call them five minutes later, you're not a stalker... And if you are, stop stalking people, it's weird.
I suppose it's only fair to mention that sometimes, just sometimes, your date will actually suggest meeting you there rather than being picked up. It's totally ok in that circumstance to meet. They're suggesting it, not you. If they want an out, let them have it. Don't be a jerk.
Lesson 3 - Let Us Pay (Or, Don't Be a Cheapskate)
Let's go ahead and get this out of the way. Even in this modern age, the guy still usually asks the girl on the date. There are, of course, exceptions, but this is generally true. That being said...
If a someone asks you on a date, let them pay. If you ask someone on a date, expect them to pay. It's not sexist, it's good behavior. If you want to offer to pay for half, or all, of a date you were asked on, kudos to you. But don't make it into an argument or cause a scene. Just let it happen.
I'm a bit old fashioned on this, true. I was raised that if you take a girl out for dinner, or drinks, or paintball, you pick up the tab. It's been so ingrained in me that even if I'm out with a girl as friends, 9 times out of 10 I'll pick up the check when she's not paying attention. It just happens, and I'm ok with it. I'm so used to it, in fact, that I plan on it and make sure I have the money to pay for both of us if we go out to do something. Where I come from, it's called being a gentleman.
Now, I'm not suggesting that it is ALWAYS the man's responsibility to pay. Not at all. I'm suggesting it is the asking party's responsibility. If a girl were to ask me on a date, I would fully expect her to be ready to pick up the bill. I would offer to pay for everything (this has happened and she was ok with it), but if she were insistent on paying? I'd be respectful enough to let it happen (this has also happened. Once.) You should too. Likewise, if you happen to be gay and get asked on a date, the asking party should be ready to pay.
Now, sometimes you have that person who immediately goes for the "50/50" route. That's ok. Some people are like that, and especially with the economy the way it is, it's risky to drop a lot of money on a first date that may not pan out. But if you keep going on dates after that? Come on. Be classy, and if you asked them, pick up the check. For me, personally, "seperate checks" sounds a lot like "we're just friends" if you're still in the dating phase.
If a someone asks you on a date, let them pay. If you ask someone on a date, expect them to pay. It's not sexist, it's good behavior. If you want to offer to pay for half, or all, of a date you were asked on, kudos to you. But don't make it into an argument or cause a scene. Just let it happen.
I'm a bit old fashioned on this, true. I was raised that if you take a girl out for dinner, or drinks, or paintball, you pick up the tab. It's been so ingrained in me that even if I'm out with a girl as friends, 9 times out of 10 I'll pick up the check when she's not paying attention. It just happens, and I'm ok with it. I'm so used to it, in fact, that I plan on it and make sure I have the money to pay for both of us if we go out to do something. Where I come from, it's called being a gentleman.
Now, I'm not suggesting that it is ALWAYS the man's responsibility to pay. Not at all. I'm suggesting it is the asking party's responsibility. If a girl were to ask me on a date, I would fully expect her to be ready to pick up the bill. I would offer to pay for everything (this has happened and she was ok with it), but if she were insistent on paying? I'd be respectful enough to let it happen (this has also happened. Once.) You should too. Likewise, if you happen to be gay and get asked on a date, the asking party should be ready to pay.
Now, sometimes you have that person who immediately goes for the "50/50" route. That's ok. Some people are like that, and especially with the economy the way it is, it's risky to drop a lot of money on a first date that may not pan out. But if you keep going on dates after that? Come on. Be classy, and if you asked them, pick up the check. For me, personally, "seperate checks" sounds a lot like "we're just friends" if you're still in the dating phase.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Lesson 2 - Keep Your Crazy in Check
Oh hello again. Last time we discussed the importance of not being a pretentious bitch. This time, let's cover how to handle your crazy.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking "But wait... I'M not crazy!"... Shut up. Yes you are. Everyone is, and you are no exception to this. You are a god damn lunatic in sheep's clothing. Why are you dressed as a sheep? Shut up.
So anyway, handling your crazy. Dating someone, and eventually loving them, is a matter of balancing their crazy against your own, and not going overboard. And you may be tempted to let all of your crazy out right at the beginning, just to clear the air, and hopefully forge a meaningful relationship on complete trust and honesty. How heartwarming. Don't do that. NEVER do that.
Do you want to know why? Because no one can handle all of your crazy at once, especially not if they're just getting to know you. I'm sure that Chuck is a great guy and super nice to you, but that doesn't mean you tell him about the names you have picked out for your children. And definitely don't tell him about how you snagged some of his hair for the DNA. These are, I kid you not, legitimate examples of things I've been told on a first date. No man wants to know the names you have chosen for your children unless he is actively trying to have a child with you, or at least PLANNING to actively try. And the DNA thing is creepy. Seriously. Who the hell does that.
A first date is an interview (Thanks, Van Wilder!). You wouldn't go into a job interview and tell them about the weird donkey videos you search for on the internet, would you? So why would you tell it to someone you want to date? Save that for later, when they check your search history and ask about donkeys. You need to let your crazy out gradually, over a period of time. We're talking multiple dates here, kids. I've been on both sides of the too much crazy event, and it never ends well. No one wants to hear about the full-size Zelda standee in your apartment on a first date (that's a lie, it's actually surprisingly popular), nor do they want to hear about your sonic screwdriver. At least not right away.
So just chill out, relax, and remember that you don't need to give your life story in the first two or three hours. You have a lifetime to tell your life story.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking "But wait... I'M not crazy!"... Shut up. Yes you are. Everyone is, and you are no exception to this. You are a god damn lunatic in sheep's clothing. Why are you dressed as a sheep? Shut up.
So anyway, handling your crazy. Dating someone, and eventually loving them, is a matter of balancing their crazy against your own, and not going overboard. And you may be tempted to let all of your crazy out right at the beginning, just to clear the air, and hopefully forge a meaningful relationship on complete trust and honesty. How heartwarming. Don't do that. NEVER do that.
Do you want to know why? Because no one can handle all of your crazy at once, especially not if they're just getting to know you. I'm sure that Chuck is a great guy and super nice to you, but that doesn't mean you tell him about the names you have picked out for your children. And definitely don't tell him about how you snagged some of his hair for the DNA. These are, I kid you not, legitimate examples of things I've been told on a first date. No man wants to know the names you have chosen for your children unless he is actively trying to have a child with you, or at least PLANNING to actively try. And the DNA thing is creepy. Seriously. Who the hell does that.
A first date is an interview (Thanks, Van Wilder!). You wouldn't go into a job interview and tell them about the weird donkey videos you search for on the internet, would you? So why would you tell it to someone you want to date? Save that for later, when they check your search history and ask about donkeys. You need to let your crazy out gradually, over a period of time. We're talking multiple dates here, kids. I've been on both sides of the too much crazy event, and it never ends well. No one wants to hear about the full-size Zelda standee in your apartment on a first date (that's a lie, it's actually surprisingly popular), nor do they want to hear about your sonic screwdriver. At least not right away.
So just chill out, relax, and remember that you don't need to give your life story in the first two or three hours. You have a lifetime to tell your life story.
Lesson 1 - Don't Be A Pretentious Bitch
Let me start off by saying that I am fully aware men can be guilty of this just as often. Just because they have a dick doesn't mean they can't be a bitch.
So, let's set the stage for lesson one, shall we? Imagine you meet a nice guy or girl, and seem to hit it off fairly well. You find each other attractive, have common interests, the works. After getting to know each other a bit, you go ahead and ask them out on a date.. Something casual, friendly, and fun... Like, for instance a movie. A go-to classic first date, but hey, if it's not broken don't fix it. This is generally the time to part ways (after exchanging numbers if you haven't already), and go about your business.
It is totally acceptable to talk between the asking and the going. Test the waters a bit, decide on a movie, and just generally chat. Maybe ask how work, or school, is going... Your standard small talk.
What is not generally acceptable at this point is to be a pretentious bitch. Imagine, for a moment, you were the one asked on the date. Which of the following do YOU think is an appropriate topic of conversation?
I'll give an example from my own life, if I may. I recently met a girl who seemed rather nice. She was attractive, we have similar interests, etc. She's a bit talkative for my tastes, but she was just trying to get to know me better, which I fully understand. So, after a bit of conversation, I asked if she'd like to get together this weekend to see a movie. Nothing big, just two people enjoying a film, maybe grab a cup of coffee afterwards. She said yes, and as you may recall, this is the time to part ways and talk later.
It is not, however, the time to begin telling me how I need to dress to go see a movie. I'll just throw it out there that I'm a pretty casual guy. I'm in my late twenties, I like wearing jeans and t-shirts in the spring, and a hoodie if there's a chill in the air. To me, there's nothing wrong with that. It's comfortable, and it's how I like to dress. I think it's a pretty standard approach to clothing. So, if I ask you to a movie, and you start telling me that I, in all seriousness, need to wear a button down shirt and tie? You're being a bit pretentious. If you throw in that I need to wear dress slacks and shoes? You're being very pretentious. If you then tell me I need to style my hair in an "up-do" and wear a particular type of cologne because it's what you want? You're a pretentious bitch, and this date isn't happening.
Do not tell your date how to dress. We're all adults, and I'm sure we can figure out what is, or is not, appropriate to wear out of the house. Do not tell your date how to style their hair. If I want opinions on my hair, I will ask the rather wonderful girl who cuts it for me. Do not tell your date what fragrance to wear, because they may find it to be absolutely horrendous. You are going on a date. That's it. A date. And if it's a first date, you're not just a pretentious bitch, you're a spoiled child for trying to be that controlling with a person you've just recently met.
I suppose it is worth mentioning that some people WANT a controlling person like that in their lives. That's still no excuse for being a pretentious bitch right out of the gate. Take it easy, ok? Just relax and let things happen, see where the evening takes you, and don't stress if your date isn't the model of perfection you want them to be.
So, let's set the stage for lesson one, shall we? Imagine you meet a nice guy or girl, and seem to hit it off fairly well. You find each other attractive, have common interests, the works. After getting to know each other a bit, you go ahead and ask them out on a date.. Something casual, friendly, and fun... Like, for instance a movie. A go-to classic first date, but hey, if it's not broken don't fix it. This is generally the time to part ways (after exchanging numbers if you haven't already), and go about your business.
It is totally acceptable to talk between the asking and the going. Test the waters a bit, decide on a movie, and just generally chat. Maybe ask how work, or school, is going... Your standard small talk.
What is not generally acceptable at this point is to be a pretentious bitch. Imagine, for a moment, you were the one asked on the date. Which of the following do YOU think is an appropriate topic of conversation?
- Asking what kinds of movies your date enjoys
- Asking your date more about their interests, family, etc
- Telling your date what they need to wear, how they need to style their hair, and how they need to act
I'll give an example from my own life, if I may. I recently met a girl who seemed rather nice. She was attractive, we have similar interests, etc. She's a bit talkative for my tastes, but she was just trying to get to know me better, which I fully understand. So, after a bit of conversation, I asked if she'd like to get together this weekend to see a movie. Nothing big, just two people enjoying a film, maybe grab a cup of coffee afterwards. She said yes, and as you may recall, this is the time to part ways and talk later.
It is not, however, the time to begin telling me how I need to dress to go see a movie. I'll just throw it out there that I'm a pretty casual guy. I'm in my late twenties, I like wearing jeans and t-shirts in the spring, and a hoodie if there's a chill in the air. To me, there's nothing wrong with that. It's comfortable, and it's how I like to dress. I think it's a pretty standard approach to clothing. So, if I ask you to a movie, and you start telling me that I, in all seriousness, need to wear a button down shirt and tie? You're being a bit pretentious. If you throw in that I need to wear dress slacks and shoes? You're being very pretentious. If you then tell me I need to style my hair in an "up-do" and wear a particular type of cologne because it's what you want? You're a pretentious bitch, and this date isn't happening.
Do not tell your date how to dress. We're all adults, and I'm sure we can figure out what is, or is not, appropriate to wear out of the house. Do not tell your date how to style their hair. If I want opinions on my hair, I will ask the rather wonderful girl who cuts it for me. Do not tell your date what fragrance to wear, because they may find it to be absolutely horrendous. You are going on a date. That's it. A date. And if it's a first date, you're not just a pretentious bitch, you're a spoiled child for trying to be that controlling with a person you've just recently met.
I suppose it is worth mentioning that some people WANT a controlling person like that in their lives. That's still no excuse for being a pretentious bitch right out of the gate. Take it easy, ok? Just relax and let things happen, see where the evening takes you, and don't stress if your date isn't the model of perfection you want them to be.
Dating 101 - An Introduction
Dating can be a pretty scary thing. You've got to put yourself out there for someone else, let them get to know you a bit, and hope they aren't crazy. And the worst thing is, they're going through the EXACT SAME THING you are! So, here you have two people, trying to find common ground, without coming off as totally insane to the other person. It's a bit intimidating, to say the least.
But let's be honest, here... With the right two people, and the right level of interest, you can get over those nervous feelings within a few minutes and enjoy the rest of the night. Maybe even go out again sometime. It's a pretty fantastic thing, to say the least.
But you know what isn't fantastic? The number of people out there who still manage to do it wrong. You can have two great people, who are really interested in each other, but one of them will make some minor slip-up for one reason or another, and the whole thing starts tumbling down. We've all been there, we've all had it happen. Hell, most of us have probably caused it to happen. It's just a part of life. The problem is when it keeps happening because someone doesn't realize they're making a mistake. This is usually where friends step in and give advice, like "Man, you just need to cool your jets and not rush so much", or "Girl, seriously, stop getting all possessive". Anyone can make any number of mistakes at the start of the dating game. So, speaking as a guy who has been on the receiving end of some of that crazy, I'd like to give a few pointers I think both sexes can take to heart. That's what this is for.
But let's be honest, here... With the right two people, and the right level of interest, you can get over those nervous feelings within a few minutes and enjoy the rest of the night. Maybe even go out again sometime. It's a pretty fantastic thing, to say the least.
But you know what isn't fantastic? The number of people out there who still manage to do it wrong. You can have two great people, who are really interested in each other, but one of them will make some minor slip-up for one reason or another, and the whole thing starts tumbling down. We've all been there, we've all had it happen. Hell, most of us have probably caused it to happen. It's just a part of life. The problem is when it keeps happening because someone doesn't realize they're making a mistake. This is usually where friends step in and give advice, like "Man, you just need to cool your jets and not rush so much", or "Girl, seriously, stop getting all possessive". Anyone can make any number of mistakes at the start of the dating game. So, speaking as a guy who has been on the receiving end of some of that crazy, I'd like to give a few pointers I think both sexes can take to heart. That's what this is for.
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