For quite some time now, I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is that has caused this... Shift, I suppose, in the mindset of people. I'd like to say there's something easy to place the blame on, like the media, or drugs in the water, but I don't think that's the case.
Sorry, I suppose I should start with what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about people who treat love, dating, and romance as though it's a race.
And, as always, I have an example. Internet dating has become quite popular in recent years, and it's pretty easy to see why. Meeting someone in person is a nerve-wracking, terrifying experience, especially as you get older. When you're in high school, and even college, there's an established social setting wherein it's easy to meet new people, get to know them, and pursue a relationship (it's called "class"). As you get out of school, it becomes more about places like work and bars/clubs.
-Work, by the way, can be highly inappropriate, and is frowned upon, and even forbidden, by many companies because it can be extremely detrimental to a professional environment. Fair warning.
Anyway, example. So, I for instance, have an online dating profile over at okcupid. Have I ever met someone from the site, or tried to start a legitimate relationship due to it? No. That's not to say I'm against it, I've just yet to come across someone where there's mutual interest, and in the meantime have continued to meet and date people from realworldland. But sometimes, I get messages on there which are so entertaining it makes the entire venture worthwhile. Others, I get messages that creep me right the hell out. And sometimes, just sometimes, I get a conversation window (something the site offers that I rarely notice, I usually check it from my phone) that makes me want to pack up and flee the country.
This is a case of the third example.
So, two nights ago, I was relaxing on my couch, laptop open, watching Coupling on television (it's a marvelous, hilarious series, by the way). I decided to pop into OKC and see if anything interesting had floated my way, and I got a little window blip at the bottom right of the screen. Now, I try to be polite when people message me online. I always respond, and if I'm not interested in talking anymore I'm nice about the way I end the conversation. In this instance, I didn't find the woman messaging me to be particularly interesting (her profile was all about dogs, with no information about herself), nor was she particularly attractive to me. But, I know how much it sucks to have someone not only be uninterested, but be a jerk about it, so I tried to be friendly. The standard "Oh, hello. How is your evening, oh mine is going well thank you" with occasional references to a lovely date I had been on recently, and another that was in a few days time (tomorrow actually). Trying to hint "I'm not interested in dating you" without just saying "Leave me the fuck alone".
The nice route failed me. It failed me in such spectacular proportions that I briefly considered setting a kitten on fire. You see, it's not uncommon when starting a conversation on a dating website to compliment the person you are attempting to pursue, in this case she said I was rather cute and had lovely eyes (it's true, my eyes are spectacular). I replied with a polite "Oh, thank you". She replied with "We would have the prettiest babies!!"
Wait, what? Why the hell are you talking about fictional children with a person you've never met and only spoken to via text for... oh... 3 minutes? This is not normal conversation, people. I don't go up to attractive women at Starbucks and say "Oh... You and me? We would have the BEST looking kids". It's creepy. It's so creepy that it's beyond creepy, but I don't think there's actually a word for it yet. Creeptacular. Creepaminjaro.
So she asks me, what would immediately make me lose interest in a person. A fair question, and one I've been known to ask my friends over a few beers because it's always funny to hear what they say. Seeing as I had not had beers, I opted to give the honest answer: If a girl is being creepy, over-attached, or blatantly insane, I will immediately lose interest in them. This is, of course, assuming I interested in them to begin with.
"Well what do you consider creepy or blatantly insane?"... Again, fair question, there can be a bit of a gray area to some people about what constitutes creepy or batshit fucking nuts. "Oh, you know... Calling nonstop, planning what names our children would have before there's any chance of them existing, talking about marriage or meeting the family before a first date... Stalking, that's a good indication of both..." Note that I mentioned the planning of children, specifically because she had already crossed that line.
You may be asking why I even continued talking, instead of blocking her and closing the window right away. To be honest, I was bored and sitting alone in my apartment, and didn't want to be an asshole. That very quickly changed after her next line.
"Marriage? OF COURSE I would marry you! We just need to go on a few dates. Oh, we'll have such pretty babies! Actually, I was just about to order pizza, why don't I just pick one up? What's your address?"
This may seem like a joke. It is worth mentioning she asked me 5 more times for my address, and continued to talk about marrying me. She wanted to go out this weekend, I told her plainly that I was not interested, and besides I have a date already. "Well why would you even bother? I already told you I'll marry you. Don't waste your time with her"
I like to think I have a lot of patience. I like to think I'm a nice guy, no matter how batshit fucking insane the person talking to me gets. I like to think that.
"Ok, look you stupid bitch. I'm trying to be fucking nice here. I'm not interested in you. I'm not interested in dating you, being friends with you, getting to know you, and I'm certainly not going to fucking marry you. I have tried, and tried, and tried, to let you down easy and let you just go off on your own. But you keep. Fucking. Being. Creepy. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to tell someone you've never met and do not know that you would have 'the prettiest babies'. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to take an example of how someone can be OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND, and try to keep bringing it up as a joke, or a way to break the ice." I went on for a bit more about how there was nothing endearing about pestering me for my address and phone number.
"But I wasn't kidding..."
AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. I very rarely block anyone on anything. Ever. I think I blocked maybe two people back in the days of AOL IM, and I knew a lot of annoying people. I've never blocked anyone on Facebook, but I've been very tempted to. So, I went ahead and blocked her.
When I woke up the next day, I had twenty new messages. All from her. All from different accounts. Asking me why I blocked her, and why I wouldn't talk to her, and telling me she loved me.
In retrospect, I should have just titled this something to the effect of "Don't Be Fucking Nuts on the Internet" based on the example. But really, you shouldn't be fucking nuts anywhere, and there's already an entry on that (Lesson 2, for those interested). And really, this is a specific kind of crazy.
There is no race to the finish in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to ever rush the "I love you" line, while there are actually a lot of reasons not to. Being in love can be absolutely terrifying, and absolutely wonderful. But people need to make sure they understand what love is, and know that they're in love, before the say it. It's an awful feeling to be dating someone, and hear "I love you", and know that you don't feel it in return, or even to be unsure about if you feel it. Likewise, it's terrible to say "I love you" and be told they don't feel the same. It's serious business.
And marriage. Yo, fuck you, people who rush the marriage talk. It's a BIG FUCKING DECISION. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. And not just the service, the whole ordeal. If you truly love someone, then yes, by all means get married and have a wonderful life together. I don't want this to sound like a "never get married!" rant. It's a "don't fucking joke about that word" rant. Do not tell the person you've just started dating that you will marry them. Do not tell the person you've NEVER MET that you will marry them. It's not cool. Wait until you've been together for awhile, until you know each other, and until you are positive that yes, this is who you want to spend your life with. Because you know what's more expensive than marriage? Divorce. Of course, that's assuming that the batshit crazy person didn't chain you up in their basement.
Love, romance, and dating are not races. They are a lengthy, enjoyable stroll through the park. Take time to enjoy it and build memories, don't just run for the gate.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Lesson 15 - Stop Trying to Turn it Around
I know, I know... You're NEVER wrong. In fact, you're SO GOOD at never being wrong, that you have to be right even when the other person isn't wrong. It's a gift, really, that you're just trying to share with the world.
Let's try an example. Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you. Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right? So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...
"Oh, you're making eggs? Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no. I'm making OMELETTES."
Now let's be real. You're just trying to educate and inform. Omelettes aren't EGGS. Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House! These are OMELETTES.
No. They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch. The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?". You know, like an adult. Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right. Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.
Let's keep it simple. If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong. It's a dick move, yo. I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one. It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!". Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.
You're not always right, no one is. But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.
Let's try an example. Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you. Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right? So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...
"Oh, you're making eggs? Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no. I'm making OMELETTES."
Now let's be real. You're just trying to educate and inform. Omelettes aren't EGGS. Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House! These are OMELETTES.
No. They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch. The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?". You know, like an adult. Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right. Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.
Let's keep it simple. If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong. It's a dick move, yo. I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one. It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!". Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.
You're not always right, no one is. But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Lesson 14 - You're Not Getting Flawless.
It's been awhile, hasn't it? Like... Months. Sorry about that. I guess I could say I haven't had anything to write about, but that's not entirely true. I wish I could say that I've found a reason to not write, but that's also not true. Mostly it's just that I've been busy doing far too much of nothing to sit down and write coherently.
But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU. And your friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, and enemies. Let's take a moment to talk about everyone and what we all want from a relationship and a significant other.
Generally, unless you're a realist, you want someone who is "perfect" for you. According to movies, television, and modern literature, there's a pretty standard definition of this. If those mediums are to be believed, women want a dazzling Greek God of a man. Tall, with an olive complexion and flowing hair, deep pools for eyes, rippling muscles, and most likely some form of accent. He's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist, who builds orphanages and loves puppies. He rides a unicorn wherever he goes, because he cares about the environment, and will drop everything to take you on romantic getaways with roses, chocolates, wine, and foot rubs. Hell, I want a guy like that, and I'm not even gay.
And then we have the men. If media is to be believed, we want a woman with a perfect body. Long, toned legs, firm abs, and a bountiful bosom. WE want her to have a scintillating accent from some unknown European country, she's a master chef who always looks amazing, and will wait on us hand and foot. She's a gymnast, who lounges around on strategically placed furniture in a silk robe and stockings. Or she's Asian. Let's keep it real here, if she's Asian the rest probably doesn't matter to most guys.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there. Statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't mean they DON'T exist. What it DOES mean is that there aren't enough of them for everyone to have one. Which brings us to the point of all of this, you aren't going to get the flawless perfection that you seem to think you should have. No one does. It's nothing against you, it's more of a shot against society.
You see, we grow up in a world where we are bombarded every day with differing directions about what we need in life. You can't settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve perfection. You can't be single AND truly happy, you need someone to share it with. If you're over 25 and single, you're just meeting the wrong people. If you're over 30 and single, then you need to change something about you, because you NEED to be MARRIED. None of those are true, by the way. You can be 25 and single, but still know the person of your dreams, and just not act on it yet. You can be 30 and single, and not need to change a thing. You can be single and happy with it. You don't deserve your vision of perfection.
Wait, what? Yeah, you got that right. You do not deserve the perfect person described above. Because you deserve MORE than that. You don't deserve a hollow shell of a person who is custom built to fit the societal definition of perfection. No, what you deserve is a person. A real, living, breathing, person. Someone with hopes, dreams, thoughts, and faults. You deserve a person who loves you for who you are despite your faults, and who you can love that way in return. Are they going to be perfect for you in everyone's eyes? Of course not. But everyone else doesn't come home to them at night. Everyone else doesn't get to see them at their best and their worst.
You don't need to have a "perfect" person. You don't need to rush into marriage because you THINK someone is perfect and that you need to do it NOWNOWNOW.
What you need is love. Yes, love is all you need. I'm not a fan of The Beatles, but they got that right on the nose. The person who advised this entry also shared the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve"... True story. You deserve to be loved, despite the fact that you're not perfect. And there's someone out there who deserves that love from you too. Accept it.
But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU. And your friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, and enemies. Let's take a moment to talk about everyone and what we all want from a relationship and a significant other.
Generally, unless you're a realist, you want someone who is "perfect" for you. According to movies, television, and modern literature, there's a pretty standard definition of this. If those mediums are to be believed, women want a dazzling Greek God of a man. Tall, with an olive complexion and flowing hair, deep pools for eyes, rippling muscles, and most likely some form of accent. He's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist, who builds orphanages and loves puppies. He rides a unicorn wherever he goes, because he cares about the environment, and will drop everything to take you on romantic getaways with roses, chocolates, wine, and foot rubs. Hell, I want a guy like that, and I'm not even gay.
And then we have the men. If media is to be believed, we want a woman with a perfect body. Long, toned legs, firm abs, and a bountiful bosom. WE want her to have a scintillating accent from some unknown European country, she's a master chef who always looks amazing, and will wait on us hand and foot. She's a gymnast, who lounges around on strategically placed furniture in a silk robe and stockings. Or she's Asian. Let's keep it real here, if she's Asian the rest probably doesn't matter to most guys.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there. Statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't mean they DON'T exist. What it DOES mean is that there aren't enough of them for everyone to have one. Which brings us to the point of all of this, you aren't going to get the flawless perfection that you seem to think you should have. No one does. It's nothing against you, it's more of a shot against society.
You see, we grow up in a world where we are bombarded every day with differing directions about what we need in life. You can't settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve perfection. You can't be single AND truly happy, you need someone to share it with. If you're over 25 and single, you're just meeting the wrong people. If you're over 30 and single, then you need to change something about you, because you NEED to be MARRIED. None of those are true, by the way. You can be 25 and single, but still know the person of your dreams, and just not act on it yet. You can be 30 and single, and not need to change a thing. You can be single and happy with it. You don't deserve your vision of perfection.
Wait, what? Yeah, you got that right. You do not deserve the perfect person described above. Because you deserve MORE than that. You don't deserve a hollow shell of a person who is custom built to fit the societal definition of perfection. No, what you deserve is a person. A real, living, breathing, person. Someone with hopes, dreams, thoughts, and faults. You deserve a person who loves you for who you are despite your faults, and who you can love that way in return. Are they going to be perfect for you in everyone's eyes? Of course not. But everyone else doesn't come home to them at night. Everyone else doesn't get to see them at their best and their worst.
You don't need to have a "perfect" person. You don't need to rush into marriage because you THINK someone is perfect and that you need to do it NOWNOWNOW.
What you need is love. Yes, love is all you need. I'm not a fan of The Beatles, but they got that right on the nose. The person who advised this entry also shared the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve"... True story. You deserve to be loved, despite the fact that you're not perfect. And there's someone out there who deserves that love from you too. Accept it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Lesson 13 - Don't Cheat the House
It was inevitable that I would write an entry about this. I mean, come on. Speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and knows many people who have been cheated on, it was going to happen. Most people out there reading this (or anything, really) will either cheat on someone or be cheated on. It sucks, but hey, that's life. I really wish it weren't, though.
Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.
So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.
If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.
If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.
Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.
So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.
If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.
If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lesson 12 - Don't be a Slob. It's Never Okay.
So, let's be honest. We all have that moment when we're a little too comfortable around people, and we do something disgusting, don't we? Maybe it's when you're out with the guys, and you let rip an epic fart. Or you go to a house party, drop a deuce, and let the smell linger. It happens, we all slip up from time to time. Maybe it's something as simple as leaving your socks on the floor of the living room. Everyone has a slob moment, and that's ok. As long as it's just a moment.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Lesson 11 - "It's fine!"... And Why It's a Trap.
You know, sometimes I look back on my high school years, and I wish Admiral Ackbar had been two steps behind me to yell "It's a trap!". Not just for dating, mind you, but for a plethora of other things. This is not, however, about my life story, it's about dating. So we'll stick with that.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.
"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.
See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.
Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.
And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.
I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!
I was talking to a friend of mine last night/this morning, and she was a bit upset with her boyfriend. Now, I will often try to give the benefit of the doubt to my fellow man in these instances, but seeing as I know her and have never met him, it can be a bit difficult. So, being the friend, I asked her just what was wrong.
"Well, you know, when a girl gives you a look of disdain and says 'it's ok', you should really know that it's not ok. That never means it's ok!"
There are a few things we can learn from instances like this. First and foremost, you can never trust a woman to be honest with you about how she says she feels. You need to learn to read her body language and facial expressions (which isn't really all that hard). Second, that for some reason most men are absolutely horrible at reading the facial expressions and body language of the women they date.
See, I can understand not picking up on little signs here and there early on in a relationship. But if you're even a few months in, and can't tell when she's mad based on how she looks at you? You're either an idiot, or you're that douche who is going to make the "But you SAID it's ok!" argument. Don't be that guy. It's not a good guy to be. That's the guy who is likely to suffer some indescribable fate in his sleep.
Here are a few pointers, fellas.
-She's going to tell you it's ok when it's not. She may even say "it's fine."... I'm told that "fine" is code for "I will MURDER YOU IF YOU DO THIS".
-Her eyes will give away the smoldering rage that she's containing in that sentence. Listen to the eyes, not the words. The eyes do not lie.
-When in doubt, assume it's not ok. Get a romantic comedy and some popcorn and spend the evening with her.
-Never try to use the "But you SAID it was ok." argument. She knows damn well what she said, it's up to you to know what she meant. And if you don't know what she meant, just assume that she's mad at you for a reason.
-It's a trap, and she got you. It's not a test to see how much you love her. It's a trap. Admiral Ackbar was right all along.
And for the ladies..
-Don't tell him it was a test. You know it wasn't a test. It was a trick. A trap. You know for a fact men don't speak womentalk and will miss these things from time to time.
-Women tend to always get what they want, and you know it. If you want us to stay home with you, just ask us to stay home with you. We know that when you ask something, it's just a polite way of telling us what to do. We're actually pretty ok with that.
I hope this has been informative. I've got a few more things lined up to write about, so please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see my thoughts on next!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Lesson 10 - Dating Is Not a Romantic Comedy
Oh hello again. It's been a little while, hasn't it? Sorry about that, I hit a bit of a stumbling block and ran out of ideas to type about. No worries, however, after speaking to one of my women friends I have a few more. Let's get started shall we?
I know that you love that movie with Ryan Gosling. I mean, he is gorgeous, I can see why you love it. The Notebook, or what have you? The problem is that so many people think that's how real life plays out, and it simply isn't.
Let's go ahead and review a typical series of events from a RomCom, shall we?
Boy sees girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected. Boy falls back on perserverance, and does something borderline stalkerish to impress girl. Girl is somewhat smitten, but still unsure. Boy makes grand display of affection, potentially embarassing self and girl, and again borderline stalkerish. Girl falls for boy, love commences and lasts forever.
Is that about how it goes? Something along those lines? Maybe?
Let's go ahead and take that series of events and look at it through a more realistic viewpoint.
Boy sees girl is bound to happen at some point. The falling in love is a bit soon, it's probably more appropriate to say "Boy is attracted to girl" at this point.
Boy pursues girl, and is comically rejected.. Ok, look. I've been rejected before. There is not a damn thing about it that is comical for the recieving party. It hurts, that's all there is to it. And if, like in the movies, the girl is actually secretly interested in you? That's WORSE. Because then not only is she rejecting you, potentially in front of many of your peers, but she's doing it for no good reason. And that's just cruel.
Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".
If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.
I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.
Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.
Now, we can talk about the fun one, which is perseverance. Look, I understand that sometimes girls play hard to get. It happens, and personally I find it to be a bit of a bitch move. It's an attempt to make you REALLY want something that you already fucking want. It's like, look, Sue, I want to take you to dinner. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked. Stop trying to string me along. Don't keep pestering her, just stop asking. Period. I know, you really like her. I also know that if she really likes you, she needs to say yes. Don't make puppy dog eyes and ask her out every day, act like you have some dignity. And certainly don't do anything that would classify you as a stalker. I'll put a list at the end of the post, for those of you who can't differentiate "normal" from "creepy".
If you're asking someone out on a first date, do not go for a grand display of affection. You're setting the bar so high that you simply will not be able to keep going at that level. Grand displays of affection are for things like anniversaries and proposals. She isn't going to love you, she's going to love the attention, and that is not healthy.
I realize this is written as a "To the gents, about the ladies", but really it works for any asking party to any asked party. And if you ARE the asked party, don't go with the bitch moves. They're hurtful, cruel, and... well.. they kind of make you come off as a bitch.
Remember, your life is not a movie. You have to get famous before that happens... And even then, Hollywood will probably screw it all up.
Ok, here's that list I promised
Ways to Not Ask a Girl Out:
1- Filling her locker/desk/car with love notes.
2- Standing outside her window, holding up a boombox. This isn't Say Anything. You aren't John Cusack. And if you ARE John Cusack, I loved you in High Fidelity.
3- Anything that involves entering her house/apartment/cardboard box without her there and knowing you are entering. Breaking and entering isn't romantic, it's a crime.
4- Pretend to be someone else online to get to know her. Really. People apparently do this.
5- Make art of her over and over. This includes paintings, drawings, sculpture, and poetry. If you like her enough to immortalize her in art, just ask her out. If she says no, let it go, by dragging it out you're only hurting yourself.
6- Let's just say anything that would get you arrested.
7- Using her hair and/or other items to create a shrine.
8- Stalking the guy she does like/is dating.
9- If you really don't know, ask a female friend. I'm sure they will gladly tell you when you're being a creeper.
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