Maaaan. Been awhile. Not going to lie, a lot of it is that I usually write in here when I'm bitter about something relationship/dating-wise, and I really haven't had much to complain about lately. Kind of have a pretty awesome woman in my life, and it's been a nice change of pace.
But fuck it, this is the internet and I still have things to say.
So, let's talk about respect. I mean really, respect goes both ways and you should respect each other, but let's not pretend we're here so I can be like... Ladies. Respect your man! That's not why I'm here, and hopefully that's not why you're here, or you'll be a little disappointed.
Gentlemen. Menfolk. Boys. We are a pretty disrespectful lot when it comes to women. Like.. wow. Take a moment and really think about it, and then just let the feeling of "Fuck, I'm an asshat" wash over you. It's ok. Really. Take it all in.
Now, a large part of this is the fact that we live in a patriarchal society where men are men and women are second class. Don't argue with me, you know I'm right. Sit down. Now think back to how many times you've made some sexist joke like "Oh, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she was already told twice!" or "Why would I get a woman a watch, there's a clock on the stove!" ...Laugh it up. Thing is, there's funny ha-ha, and there's funny "Oh shit we're perpetuating a culture of disrespecting everyone without a dick", which is to say... there's funny, and there's not really funny.
Let me ask you a pretty simple question. Do you respect the women in your life? All of them? Not just your family (though that is important), but your female friends, coworkers, and partners?
Now, do you just respect them outwardly? Or is your respect internal as well? Example. Do you treat a woman nice, and respectful, to her face, but then when you're out with the boys talk about her in a disrespectful or inappropriate manner? Both are important.
This is feeling a bit wordy to me. Sorry about that, but I'm not really sorry. The thing is you have to respect the people you're with. Have. To. It really shouldn't be an option not to, but the horrible truth is that there are many women out there who have gone so long without ever being respected as a person that they just think "Oh, well, I deserve to be treated like this". And they don't. Really, ladies, you don't, and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. ...Phrasing, not like, proper fuck, but those people can go to hell.
I don't know, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I really believe that respect is an integral part of any healthy relationship. It goes both ways, yes, but generally the men are the ones causing problems. Like, if your lady says no to something? Anything? Respect it. Don't be like... "Hey girl... you lookin' pretty. Lemme get the P in the V" and when she says "No, I don't feel like it", jam your dick in anyway. That's not cool, and beyond being disrespectful, it's illegal (because that's rape, dating someone does not entitle you sex whenever you want). Or if she asks you to refrain from a certain type of behavior (within reason)? Like, if your lady asks you to do something as simple as wiping your feet when you walk in the door. Don't argue. Wipe your damn feet. Small displays of respect are as important as large ones.
I'm not gonna lie, it's actually pretty hard right now for me to think of common displays of disrespect that aren't the illegality we've already covered. Be polite. Be a nice fuckin' guy. Well, I guess this is getting to the TL;DR, so be a nice fuckin' lady. Be a nice fuckin' PERSON. Not just to your partner, but to everyone, because maybe they just need that little bit of respect.
And again. Ladies. If some dude out there disrespects you and treats you like garbage. You don't have to put up with that shit. You deserve better, and he deserves some icy hot in the peehole.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Lesson 17 - Your Heart Doesn't Know What It Wants
It's been awhile, yet again, but alas, I was without inspiration, and run-on sentences. But lo, for I have been blessed with a slew of new people in my life, with complaints and troubles I had forgotten! And thus was inspiration born!
There's a saying, that "The heart wants what the heart wants". Now, far be it for me to argue with wise words passed down through the ages, especially when I (to a degree) agree with them. The heart does, in fact, want what it wants. And what it wants is to pump blood so that you can continue living. What it does not want, contrary to what some would have you believe, is for you to be in a relationship that leaves you depressed and miserable. I would wager that the heart does not want that at all. Unless your heart is an asshole.
Is your heart an asshole?
I don't think it is, but it might be. So, I have a coworker now, whom we shall call Myrtle. Myrtle's boyfriend is textbook dickhead. He tells her she's fat (she isn't), and that he is depressed because of her. He provided her the condition that to continue their relationship, she would need to start losing a minimum of 1 pound per day (which is HORRIBLY UNHEALTHY AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IT), and generally treats her as though she is worthless, and is kept around only for purposes of sex with something that isn't attached to his wrist. She has stated, accurately, that her family essentially disowned her for choosing to remain with a drug-addled douche that lives with his parents. She quit college to spend more time with him. She was rather unceremoniously thrown from her lodgings due to his involvement, and thus moved in with him (and his parents) until he decided she needed to leave for being fat, with no warning and nowhere else to go.
I do not think I am alone in stating two points in regards to this. First, that is a horrible relationship to be in. Second, she is a goddamn idiot. I'm no stranger to having people complain about their relationships to me, it's actually a very common occurrence and one that I invite on myself by asking "What's wrong?" when a friend is upset. Recently, I've taken a new approach of asking "Have you talked to them about how you feel?" rather than just providing comfort, because I really feel that communication is key in any kind of relationship. If the answer is no, I tell them to quit bitching to me about their problems and go fix it. In this case, my answer was a bit more blunt, in that I asked why the hell she was complaining to me as I did not in any way invite the conversation, and then when she was done I told her she was a goddamn idiot.
Her response was, and I quote... "No I'm not, he's just all that I want! Just him!"
This is the point in the story, and in any story like this, where I call bullshit. If that were true, you are an emotional masochist who enjoys being insulted, degraded, and treated like gutter trash. And if that were true, you wouldn't need to complain about how you wish things would change, because hey, you don't want them to change. You want to be treated like shit, and at that point, it's whatever floats your boat. But since you are unhappy with the state of things, feel the need to complain, and actively try to better them on occasion, you're not an emotional masochist. What you are, is a goddamn idiot.
See, the heart doesn't want that. And it's not that "Oh, love is blind!".. No. You see the faults, you know they exist, and you do care. This isn't something like "Oh, he leaves the toilet seat up" or "She leaves half-drank sodas in the fridge". These are not small faults. These are character traits, and rather glaring and defining ones. You do not love this person, in fact, you probably strongly dislike them. What you love is being in a relationship, no matter how shitty, instead of being alone. You say that it's what the heart wants, and really, it's not. It's what the scared, timid thing in your mind wants. That inner child that's afraid of being alone.
It is ok for you to be alone. It's ok to be single. It's ok to be an emotional masochist. But recognize what you are doing and why. If you are staying with someone who makes you unhappy and saying it's because that's what your heart wants, as if that's what it really is. Does your heart want to be in a situation that makes you miserable? Or are you just afraid of not being in a relationship? It's ok to be afraid, it really is. Some of these terrible relationships go on for years before they get that bad, and that's a long time to be with someone and give it all up. And I have no doubt that some of those relationships can be saved with a bit of communication and understanding. But if you've been with someone a few months, and they're a complete asshole, there's really nothing to be afraid of, and you need to let it go. It's better in the end, it really is.
The moral of the story here is, your heart doesn't have shit for brains, you're just a goddamn idiot.
There's a saying, that "The heart wants what the heart wants". Now, far be it for me to argue with wise words passed down through the ages, especially when I (to a degree) agree with them. The heart does, in fact, want what it wants. And what it wants is to pump blood so that you can continue living. What it does not want, contrary to what some would have you believe, is for you to be in a relationship that leaves you depressed and miserable. I would wager that the heart does not want that at all. Unless your heart is an asshole.
Is your heart an asshole?
I don't think it is, but it might be. So, I have a coworker now, whom we shall call Myrtle. Myrtle's boyfriend is textbook dickhead. He tells her she's fat (she isn't), and that he is depressed because of her. He provided her the condition that to continue their relationship, she would need to start losing a minimum of 1 pound per day (which is HORRIBLY UNHEALTHY AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IT), and generally treats her as though she is worthless, and is kept around only for purposes of sex with something that isn't attached to his wrist. She has stated, accurately, that her family essentially disowned her for choosing to remain with a drug-addled douche that lives with his parents. She quit college to spend more time with him. She was rather unceremoniously thrown from her lodgings due to his involvement, and thus moved in with him (and his parents) until he decided she needed to leave for being fat, with no warning and nowhere else to go.
I do not think I am alone in stating two points in regards to this. First, that is a horrible relationship to be in. Second, she is a goddamn idiot. I'm no stranger to having people complain about their relationships to me, it's actually a very common occurrence and one that I invite on myself by asking "What's wrong?" when a friend is upset. Recently, I've taken a new approach of asking "Have you talked to them about how you feel?" rather than just providing comfort, because I really feel that communication is key in any kind of relationship. If the answer is no, I tell them to quit bitching to me about their problems and go fix it. In this case, my answer was a bit more blunt, in that I asked why the hell she was complaining to me as I did not in any way invite the conversation, and then when she was done I told her she was a goddamn idiot.
Her response was, and I quote... "No I'm not, he's just all that I want! Just him!"
This is the point in the story, and in any story like this, where I call bullshit. If that were true, you are an emotional masochist who enjoys being insulted, degraded, and treated like gutter trash. And if that were true, you wouldn't need to complain about how you wish things would change, because hey, you don't want them to change. You want to be treated like shit, and at that point, it's whatever floats your boat. But since you are unhappy with the state of things, feel the need to complain, and actively try to better them on occasion, you're not an emotional masochist. What you are, is a goddamn idiot.
See, the heart doesn't want that. And it's not that "Oh, love is blind!".. No. You see the faults, you know they exist, and you do care. This isn't something like "Oh, he leaves the toilet seat up" or "She leaves half-drank sodas in the fridge". These are not small faults. These are character traits, and rather glaring and defining ones. You do not love this person, in fact, you probably strongly dislike them. What you love is being in a relationship, no matter how shitty, instead of being alone. You say that it's what the heart wants, and really, it's not. It's what the scared, timid thing in your mind wants. That inner child that's afraid of being alone.
It is ok for you to be alone. It's ok to be single. It's ok to be an emotional masochist. But recognize what you are doing and why. If you are staying with someone who makes you unhappy and saying it's because that's what your heart wants, as if that's what it really is. Does your heart want to be in a situation that makes you miserable? Or are you just afraid of not being in a relationship? It's ok to be afraid, it really is. Some of these terrible relationships go on for years before they get that bad, and that's a long time to be with someone and give it all up. And I have no doubt that some of those relationships can be saved with a bit of communication and understanding. But if you've been with someone a few months, and they're a complete asshole, there's really nothing to be afraid of, and you need to let it go. It's better in the end, it really is.
The moral of the story here is, your heart doesn't have shit for brains, you're just a goddamn idiot.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lesson 16 - It's Not a Race
For quite some time now, I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is that has caused this... Shift, I suppose, in the mindset of people. I'd like to say there's something easy to place the blame on, like the media, or drugs in the water, but I don't think that's the case.
Sorry, I suppose I should start with what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about people who treat love, dating, and romance as though it's a race.
And, as always, I have an example. Internet dating has become quite popular in recent years, and it's pretty easy to see why. Meeting someone in person is a nerve-wracking, terrifying experience, especially as you get older. When you're in high school, and even college, there's an established social setting wherein it's easy to meet new people, get to know them, and pursue a relationship (it's called "class"). As you get out of school, it becomes more about places like work and bars/clubs.
-Work, by the way, can be highly inappropriate, and is frowned upon, and even forbidden, by many companies because it can be extremely detrimental to a professional environment. Fair warning.
Anyway, example. So, I for instance, have an online dating profile over at okcupid. Have I ever met someone from the site, or tried to start a legitimate relationship due to it? No. That's not to say I'm against it, I've just yet to come across someone where there's mutual interest, and in the meantime have continued to meet and date people from realworldland. But sometimes, I get messages on there which are so entertaining it makes the entire venture worthwhile. Others, I get messages that creep me right the hell out. And sometimes, just sometimes, I get a conversation window (something the site offers that I rarely notice, I usually check it from my phone) that makes me want to pack up and flee the country.
This is a case of the third example.
So, two nights ago, I was relaxing on my couch, laptop open, watching Coupling on television (it's a marvelous, hilarious series, by the way). I decided to pop into OKC and see if anything interesting had floated my way, and I got a little window blip at the bottom right of the screen. Now, I try to be polite when people message me online. I always respond, and if I'm not interested in talking anymore I'm nice about the way I end the conversation. In this instance, I didn't find the woman messaging me to be particularly interesting (her profile was all about dogs, with no information about herself), nor was she particularly attractive to me. But, I know how much it sucks to have someone not only be uninterested, but be a jerk about it, so I tried to be friendly. The standard "Oh, hello. How is your evening, oh mine is going well thank you" with occasional references to a lovely date I had been on recently, and another that was in a few days time (tomorrow actually). Trying to hint "I'm not interested in dating you" without just saying "Leave me the fuck alone".
The nice route failed me. It failed me in such spectacular proportions that I briefly considered setting a kitten on fire. You see, it's not uncommon when starting a conversation on a dating website to compliment the person you are attempting to pursue, in this case she said I was rather cute and had lovely eyes (it's true, my eyes are spectacular). I replied with a polite "Oh, thank you". She replied with "We would have the prettiest babies!!"
Wait, what? Why the hell are you talking about fictional children with a person you've never met and only spoken to via text for... oh... 3 minutes? This is not normal conversation, people. I don't go up to attractive women at Starbucks and say "Oh... You and me? We would have the BEST looking kids". It's creepy. It's so creepy that it's beyond creepy, but I don't think there's actually a word for it yet. Creeptacular. Creepaminjaro.
So she asks me, what would immediately make me lose interest in a person. A fair question, and one I've been known to ask my friends over a few beers because it's always funny to hear what they say. Seeing as I had not had beers, I opted to give the honest answer: If a girl is being creepy, over-attached, or blatantly insane, I will immediately lose interest in them. This is, of course, assuming I interested in them to begin with.
"Well what do you consider creepy or blatantly insane?"... Again, fair question, there can be a bit of a gray area to some people about what constitutes creepy or batshit fucking nuts. "Oh, you know... Calling nonstop, planning what names our children would have before there's any chance of them existing, talking about marriage or meeting the family before a first date... Stalking, that's a good indication of both..." Note that I mentioned the planning of children, specifically because she had already crossed that line.
You may be asking why I even continued talking, instead of blocking her and closing the window right away. To be honest, I was bored and sitting alone in my apartment, and didn't want to be an asshole. That very quickly changed after her next line.
"Marriage? OF COURSE I would marry you! We just need to go on a few dates. Oh, we'll have such pretty babies! Actually, I was just about to order pizza, why don't I just pick one up? What's your address?"
This may seem like a joke. It is worth mentioning she asked me 5 more times for my address, and continued to talk about marrying me. She wanted to go out this weekend, I told her plainly that I was not interested, and besides I have a date already. "Well why would you even bother? I already told you I'll marry you. Don't waste your time with her"
I like to think I have a lot of patience. I like to think I'm a nice guy, no matter how batshit fucking insane the person talking to me gets. I like to think that.
"Ok, look you stupid bitch. I'm trying to be fucking nice here. I'm not interested in you. I'm not interested in dating you, being friends with you, getting to know you, and I'm certainly not going to fucking marry you. I have tried, and tried, and tried, to let you down easy and let you just go off on your own. But you keep. Fucking. Being. Creepy. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to tell someone you've never met and do not know that you would have 'the prettiest babies'. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to take an example of how someone can be OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND, and try to keep bringing it up as a joke, or a way to break the ice." I went on for a bit more about how there was nothing endearing about pestering me for my address and phone number.
"But I wasn't kidding..."
AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. I very rarely block anyone on anything. Ever. I think I blocked maybe two people back in the days of AOL IM, and I knew a lot of annoying people. I've never blocked anyone on Facebook, but I've been very tempted to. So, I went ahead and blocked her.
When I woke up the next day, I had twenty new messages. All from her. All from different accounts. Asking me why I blocked her, and why I wouldn't talk to her, and telling me she loved me.
In retrospect, I should have just titled this something to the effect of "Don't Be Fucking Nuts on the Internet" based on the example. But really, you shouldn't be fucking nuts anywhere, and there's already an entry on that (Lesson 2, for those interested). And really, this is a specific kind of crazy.
There is no race to the finish in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to ever rush the "I love you" line, while there are actually a lot of reasons not to. Being in love can be absolutely terrifying, and absolutely wonderful. But people need to make sure they understand what love is, and know that they're in love, before the say it. It's an awful feeling to be dating someone, and hear "I love you", and know that you don't feel it in return, or even to be unsure about if you feel it. Likewise, it's terrible to say "I love you" and be told they don't feel the same. It's serious business.
And marriage. Yo, fuck you, people who rush the marriage talk. It's a BIG FUCKING DECISION. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. And not just the service, the whole ordeal. If you truly love someone, then yes, by all means get married and have a wonderful life together. I don't want this to sound like a "never get married!" rant. It's a "don't fucking joke about that word" rant. Do not tell the person you've just started dating that you will marry them. Do not tell the person you've NEVER MET that you will marry them. It's not cool. Wait until you've been together for awhile, until you know each other, and until you are positive that yes, this is who you want to spend your life with. Because you know what's more expensive than marriage? Divorce. Of course, that's assuming that the batshit crazy person didn't chain you up in their basement.
Love, romance, and dating are not races. They are a lengthy, enjoyable stroll through the park. Take time to enjoy it and build memories, don't just run for the gate.
Sorry, I suppose I should start with what I'm actually talking about. I'm talking about people who treat love, dating, and romance as though it's a race.
And, as always, I have an example. Internet dating has become quite popular in recent years, and it's pretty easy to see why. Meeting someone in person is a nerve-wracking, terrifying experience, especially as you get older. When you're in high school, and even college, there's an established social setting wherein it's easy to meet new people, get to know them, and pursue a relationship (it's called "class"). As you get out of school, it becomes more about places like work and bars/clubs.
-Work, by the way, can be highly inappropriate, and is frowned upon, and even forbidden, by many companies because it can be extremely detrimental to a professional environment. Fair warning.
Anyway, example. So, I for instance, have an online dating profile over at okcupid. Have I ever met someone from the site, or tried to start a legitimate relationship due to it? No. That's not to say I'm against it, I've just yet to come across someone where there's mutual interest, and in the meantime have continued to meet and date people from realworldland. But sometimes, I get messages on there which are so entertaining it makes the entire venture worthwhile. Others, I get messages that creep me right the hell out. And sometimes, just sometimes, I get a conversation window (something the site offers that I rarely notice, I usually check it from my phone) that makes me want to pack up and flee the country.
This is a case of the third example.
So, two nights ago, I was relaxing on my couch, laptop open, watching Coupling on television (it's a marvelous, hilarious series, by the way). I decided to pop into OKC and see if anything interesting had floated my way, and I got a little window blip at the bottom right of the screen. Now, I try to be polite when people message me online. I always respond, and if I'm not interested in talking anymore I'm nice about the way I end the conversation. In this instance, I didn't find the woman messaging me to be particularly interesting (her profile was all about dogs, with no information about herself), nor was she particularly attractive to me. But, I know how much it sucks to have someone not only be uninterested, but be a jerk about it, so I tried to be friendly. The standard "Oh, hello. How is your evening, oh mine is going well thank you" with occasional references to a lovely date I had been on recently, and another that was in a few days time (tomorrow actually). Trying to hint "I'm not interested in dating you" without just saying "Leave me the fuck alone".
The nice route failed me. It failed me in such spectacular proportions that I briefly considered setting a kitten on fire. You see, it's not uncommon when starting a conversation on a dating website to compliment the person you are attempting to pursue, in this case she said I was rather cute and had lovely eyes (it's true, my eyes are spectacular). I replied with a polite "Oh, thank you". She replied with "We would have the prettiest babies!!"
Wait, what? Why the hell are you talking about fictional children with a person you've never met and only spoken to via text for... oh... 3 minutes? This is not normal conversation, people. I don't go up to attractive women at Starbucks and say "Oh... You and me? We would have the BEST looking kids". It's creepy. It's so creepy that it's beyond creepy, but I don't think there's actually a word for it yet. Creeptacular. Creepaminjaro.
So she asks me, what would immediately make me lose interest in a person. A fair question, and one I've been known to ask my friends over a few beers because it's always funny to hear what they say. Seeing as I had not had beers, I opted to give the honest answer: If a girl is being creepy, over-attached, or blatantly insane, I will immediately lose interest in them. This is, of course, assuming I interested in them to begin with.
"Well what do you consider creepy or blatantly insane?"... Again, fair question, there can be a bit of a gray area to some people about what constitutes creepy or batshit fucking nuts. "Oh, you know... Calling nonstop, planning what names our children would have before there's any chance of them existing, talking about marriage or meeting the family before a first date... Stalking, that's a good indication of both..." Note that I mentioned the planning of children, specifically because she had already crossed that line.
You may be asking why I even continued talking, instead of blocking her and closing the window right away. To be honest, I was bored and sitting alone in my apartment, and didn't want to be an asshole. That very quickly changed after her next line.
"Marriage? OF COURSE I would marry you! We just need to go on a few dates. Oh, we'll have such pretty babies! Actually, I was just about to order pizza, why don't I just pick one up? What's your address?"
This may seem like a joke. It is worth mentioning she asked me 5 more times for my address, and continued to talk about marrying me. She wanted to go out this weekend, I told her plainly that I was not interested, and besides I have a date already. "Well why would you even bother? I already told you I'll marry you. Don't waste your time with her"
I like to think I have a lot of patience. I like to think I'm a nice guy, no matter how batshit fucking insane the person talking to me gets. I like to think that.
"Ok, look you stupid bitch. I'm trying to be fucking nice here. I'm not interested in you. I'm not interested in dating you, being friends with you, getting to know you, and I'm certainly not going to fucking marry you. I have tried, and tried, and tried, to let you down easy and let you just go off on your own. But you keep. Fucking. Being. Creepy. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to tell someone you've never met and do not know that you would have 'the prettiest babies'. It is not funny, nor is it 'cute', to take an example of how someone can be OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MIND, and try to keep bringing it up as a joke, or a way to break the ice." I went on for a bit more about how there was nothing endearing about pestering me for my address and phone number.
"But I wasn't kidding..."
AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. I very rarely block anyone on anything. Ever. I think I blocked maybe two people back in the days of AOL IM, and I knew a lot of annoying people. I've never blocked anyone on Facebook, but I've been very tempted to. So, I went ahead and blocked her.
When I woke up the next day, I had twenty new messages. All from her. All from different accounts. Asking me why I blocked her, and why I wouldn't talk to her, and telling me she loved me.
In retrospect, I should have just titled this something to the effect of "Don't Be Fucking Nuts on the Internet" based on the example. But really, you shouldn't be fucking nuts anywhere, and there's already an entry on that (Lesson 2, for those interested). And really, this is a specific kind of crazy.
There is no race to the finish in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason to ever rush the "I love you" line, while there are actually a lot of reasons not to. Being in love can be absolutely terrifying, and absolutely wonderful. But people need to make sure they understand what love is, and know that they're in love, before the say it. It's an awful feeling to be dating someone, and hear "I love you", and know that you don't feel it in return, or even to be unsure about if you feel it. Likewise, it's terrible to say "I love you" and be told they don't feel the same. It's serious business.
And marriage. Yo, fuck you, people who rush the marriage talk. It's a BIG FUCKING DECISION. Weddings are EXPENSIVE. And not just the service, the whole ordeal. If you truly love someone, then yes, by all means get married and have a wonderful life together. I don't want this to sound like a "never get married!" rant. It's a "don't fucking joke about that word" rant. Do not tell the person you've just started dating that you will marry them. Do not tell the person you've NEVER MET that you will marry them. It's not cool. Wait until you've been together for awhile, until you know each other, and until you are positive that yes, this is who you want to spend your life with. Because you know what's more expensive than marriage? Divorce. Of course, that's assuming that the batshit crazy person didn't chain you up in their basement.
Love, romance, and dating are not races. They are a lengthy, enjoyable stroll through the park. Take time to enjoy it and build memories, don't just run for the gate.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Lesson 15 - Stop Trying to Turn it Around
I know, I know... You're NEVER wrong. In fact, you're SO GOOD at never being wrong, that you have to be right even when the other person isn't wrong. It's a gift, really, that you're just trying to share with the world.
Let's try an example. Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you. Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right? So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...
"Oh, you're making eggs? Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no. I'm making OMELETTES."
Now let's be real. You're just trying to educate and inform. Omelettes aren't EGGS. Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House! These are OMELETTES.
No. They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch. The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?". You know, like an adult. Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right. Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.
Let's keep it simple. If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong. It's a dick move, yo. I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one. It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!". Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.
You're not always right, no one is. But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.
Let's try an example. Let's say that you and your significant other are up early one morning, and you decide to prepare some breakfast for the two of you. Some bacon, maybe a nice toasted English muffin... Oh, and an omelette! Everyone loves a nice omelette, right? So the lucky man or woman in your life comes into the kitchen...
"Oh, you're making eggs? Great! Everything smells delicious!"
And you, of course, reply "Uh, no. I'm making OMELETTES."
Now let's be real. You're just trying to educate and inform. Omelettes aren't EGGS. Well... They are... But wait, it's important to clarify! These aren't some scrambled eggs from Waffle House! These are OMELETTES.
No. They're eggs, and you're being a bit of a bitch. The appropriate reply would have been something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm making us some omelettes! What do you want in yours?". You know, like an adult. Not a spoiled brat who needs to be right so badly that you insinuate others are wrong for... Well, for being right. Now, had you been making something other than eggs, it would have been appropriate to say "No, I'm actually making omelettes".... But that's still a polite way to do it rather than being a taint.
Let's keep it simple. If someone isn't wrong, don't try to twist what they've said to make them sound wrong. Especially not if you're just going to repeat back what they've said as the reason why they're wrong. It's a dick move, yo. I fully understand that conflict can be exciting, some people get turned on by a good argument, and that's a solid way to start one. It's also a solid way to get a frying pan to the face, and there's nothing about that which screams "Do me right here on the table!". Unless, you know, one of you is turned on by broken noses.
You're not always right, no one is. But that doesn't make it ok to try and prove someone else is wrong over nothing.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Lesson 14 - You're Not Getting Flawless.
It's been awhile, hasn't it? Like... Months. Sorry about that. I guess I could say I haven't had anything to write about, but that's not entirely true. I wish I could say that I've found a reason to not write, but that's also not true. Mostly it's just that I've been busy doing far too much of nothing to sit down and write coherently.
But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU. And your friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, and enemies. Let's take a moment to talk about everyone and what we all want from a relationship and a significant other.
Generally, unless you're a realist, you want someone who is "perfect" for you. According to movies, television, and modern literature, there's a pretty standard definition of this. If those mediums are to be believed, women want a dazzling Greek God of a man. Tall, with an olive complexion and flowing hair, deep pools for eyes, rippling muscles, and most likely some form of accent. He's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist, who builds orphanages and loves puppies. He rides a unicorn wherever he goes, because he cares about the environment, and will drop everything to take you on romantic getaways with roses, chocolates, wine, and foot rubs. Hell, I want a guy like that, and I'm not even gay.
And then we have the men. If media is to be believed, we want a woman with a perfect body. Long, toned legs, firm abs, and a bountiful bosom. WE want her to have a scintillating accent from some unknown European country, she's a master chef who always looks amazing, and will wait on us hand and foot. She's a gymnast, who lounges around on strategically placed furniture in a silk robe and stockings. Or she's Asian. Let's keep it real here, if she's Asian the rest probably doesn't matter to most guys.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there. Statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't mean they DON'T exist. What it DOES mean is that there aren't enough of them for everyone to have one. Which brings us to the point of all of this, you aren't going to get the flawless perfection that you seem to think you should have. No one does. It's nothing against you, it's more of a shot against society.
You see, we grow up in a world where we are bombarded every day with differing directions about what we need in life. You can't settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve perfection. You can't be single AND truly happy, you need someone to share it with. If you're over 25 and single, you're just meeting the wrong people. If you're over 30 and single, then you need to change something about you, because you NEED to be MARRIED. None of those are true, by the way. You can be 25 and single, but still know the person of your dreams, and just not act on it yet. You can be 30 and single, and not need to change a thing. You can be single and happy with it. You don't deserve your vision of perfection.
Wait, what? Yeah, you got that right. You do not deserve the perfect person described above. Because you deserve MORE than that. You don't deserve a hollow shell of a person who is custom built to fit the societal definition of perfection. No, what you deserve is a person. A real, living, breathing, person. Someone with hopes, dreams, thoughts, and faults. You deserve a person who loves you for who you are despite your faults, and who you can love that way in return. Are they going to be perfect for you in everyone's eyes? Of course not. But everyone else doesn't come home to them at night. Everyone else doesn't get to see them at their best and their worst.
You don't need to have a "perfect" person. You don't need to rush into marriage because you THINK someone is perfect and that you need to do it NOWNOWNOW.
What you need is love. Yes, love is all you need. I'm not a fan of The Beatles, but they got that right on the nose. The person who advised this entry also shared the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve"... True story. You deserve to be loved, despite the fact that you're not perfect. And there's someone out there who deserves that love from you too. Accept it.
But enough about me. Let's talk about YOU. And your friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, and enemies. Let's take a moment to talk about everyone and what we all want from a relationship and a significant other.
Generally, unless you're a realist, you want someone who is "perfect" for you. According to movies, television, and modern literature, there's a pretty standard definition of this. If those mediums are to be believed, women want a dazzling Greek God of a man. Tall, with an olive complexion and flowing hair, deep pools for eyes, rippling muscles, and most likely some form of accent. He's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist, who builds orphanages and loves puppies. He rides a unicorn wherever he goes, because he cares about the environment, and will drop everything to take you on romantic getaways with roses, chocolates, wine, and foot rubs. Hell, I want a guy like that, and I'm not even gay.
And then we have the men. If media is to be believed, we want a woman with a perfect body. Long, toned legs, firm abs, and a bountiful bosom. WE want her to have a scintillating accent from some unknown European country, she's a master chef who always looks amazing, and will wait on us hand and foot. She's a gymnast, who lounges around on strategically placed furniture in a silk robe and stockings. Or she's Asian. Let's keep it real here, if she's Asian the rest probably doesn't matter to most guys.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't people like that out there. Statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely, but that doesn't mean they DON'T exist. What it DOES mean is that there aren't enough of them for everyone to have one. Which brings us to the point of all of this, you aren't going to get the flawless perfection that you seem to think you should have. No one does. It's nothing against you, it's more of a shot against society.
You see, we grow up in a world where we are bombarded every day with differing directions about what we need in life. You can't settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve perfection. You can't be single AND truly happy, you need someone to share it with. If you're over 25 and single, you're just meeting the wrong people. If you're over 30 and single, then you need to change something about you, because you NEED to be MARRIED. None of those are true, by the way. You can be 25 and single, but still know the person of your dreams, and just not act on it yet. You can be 30 and single, and not need to change a thing. You can be single and happy with it. You don't deserve your vision of perfection.
Wait, what? Yeah, you got that right. You do not deserve the perfect person described above. Because you deserve MORE than that. You don't deserve a hollow shell of a person who is custom built to fit the societal definition of perfection. No, what you deserve is a person. A real, living, breathing, person. Someone with hopes, dreams, thoughts, and faults. You deserve a person who loves you for who you are despite your faults, and who you can love that way in return. Are they going to be perfect for you in everyone's eyes? Of course not. But everyone else doesn't come home to them at night. Everyone else doesn't get to see them at their best and their worst.
You don't need to have a "perfect" person. You don't need to rush into marriage because you THINK someone is perfect and that you need to do it NOWNOWNOW.
What you need is love. Yes, love is all you need. I'm not a fan of The Beatles, but they got that right on the nose. The person who advised this entry also shared the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve"... True story. You deserve to be loved, despite the fact that you're not perfect. And there's someone out there who deserves that love from you too. Accept it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Lesson 13 - Don't Cheat the House
It was inevitable that I would write an entry about this. I mean, come on. Speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and knows many people who have been cheated on, it was going to happen. Most people out there reading this (or anything, really) will either cheat on someone or be cheated on. It sucks, but hey, that's life. I really wish it weren't, though.
Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.
So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.
If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.
If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.
Let's start by establishing WHEN it's ok to cheat, shall we? Never. If you think it's anything other than that, you need a sound beating. It is never ok to cheat on someone you're dating. I don't care if you've only been "official" for an hour. It's not cool. You're a douchecanoe. You were drunk? You're a drunk douchecanoe. They cheated on you first? You're just being a little bitch now, and we all know that if you're both cheating you shouldn't be dating at all. You were raped? That's not really cheating, you didn't have a say, and it's not your fault. Report that shit. If the person your with tries to say it's your fault, set that fucker on fire.
So, what is cheating? Emotionally or physically pursuing a person other than the one you're involved with. If you're dating Kevin, but telling Steve that you're really in love with him, you're being a bit of a cheat. And a bitch, I mean, who does that? If you're dating Steve, but then you make out with Donald, you're a cheat. And if you sleep with them? Oh man. There's no way that's not cheating. And if you try to justify it in some way, you need to have Batman come beat your ass. If you're in a relationship, the only time your no-go zone should interact with the no-go of someone you aren't dating is if you're in one of those "open" relationships. And at that point, you aren't really in a committed relationship, so stop kidding yourself. You're just in a situation where you get all the fun and none of the responsibility, and if that works for you two, great. Personally, I prefer the stability and connection of being in a one-on-one, committed, monogamous relationship. You know, because I'm an adult. Actually, not even because I'm an adult. Because I'm a reasonable human being, who doesn't want to have a piece of every cake in the room if I can have one that's just for me. Yes, I just referred to people as cakes. We are. We're delicate, we come in a plethora of sizes, shapes, colors, and tastes. You are a cake, and you should only be letting one person sample that cake if you're in a relationship. And you should be the only one sampling their cake.
If you've been cheated on, it sucks and you know it. It hurts, you feel betrayed, and you feel as though you aren't good enough. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. And it makes you wonder why you should even bother dating, because in your mind you think it's just going to happen again. And again. And that right there, that's a tragedy. Because there are people out there who won't cheat on you, but they've probably just been cheated on too, and have the same fear of going through it again.
If you've never been cheated on, congratulations. Oh wait, unless you're the one cheating on people. If you're out there cheating on a person you're supposed to be committed to, you're a shitbrick. You need to go home and re-evaluate your life. Change your ways now, o ye offenders, lest you end life sad and alone, with no one to love you. Because if you keep betraying everyone who tries to give you their heart, eventually no one will want to be with you, and it will just be too little too late to say "But I've changed!" Your actions will drown out the sound of your words.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Lesson 12 - Don't be a Slob. It's Never Okay.
So, let's be honest. We all have that moment when we're a little too comfortable around people, and we do something disgusting, don't we? Maybe it's when you're out with the guys, and you let rip an epic fart. Or you go to a house party, drop a deuce, and let the smell linger. It happens, we all slip up from time to time. Maybe it's something as simple as leaving your socks on the floor of the living room. Everyone has a slob moment, and that's ok. As long as it's just a moment.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
But that moment should never, EVER happen around the person you're dating. It's not ok. It's never ok.
Let's set up a scenario, shall we? I've noticed I'm pretty fond of doing this, so I see no reason to stop now!
Say you're dating Rebecca. You two have been together for a couple of years, and you take that big step... You ask her to move in with you. Big man with some big balls, there. Inviting a woman into your living space, permanently, is daunting. And no doubt, if you're like most men, you'll be cleaner during those first few months than you ever have been in your entire life. You're wiping down counters. Vacuuming carpets. Rinsing and washing dishes. We're talking the whole nine yards here, buddy. And then, as you round out month 4 living together, something happens...
You start to get comfortable with her there. And why wouldn't you? She lives there, you know she's there, and by now, she should know what you're like to live with, right? And she does... at least, she knows what you've been like to live with for the past few months. Which means she knows you as a guy who picks up after himself, cleans up his apartment, and knows how to flush the toilet.
And now that you're comfortable, you slip up. You don't know it, but you start being the most disgusting person in the world to be around. Things that are TOTALLY NORMAL to you are, in fact, horribly unsettling to the people around you. This is tantamount to trying to engage in a land war in Asia (read: don't do that. It doesn't work well for you). And all of the sudden, that wonderful vision of beauty who has happily lived with you for months now wants to scream at you until you burst into flames.
All because you didn't flush the toilet.
There are actually any number of things you could have done at this point to set her off. And if you're lucky, she has the patience of a saint and won't kill you outright for it. But the thing is, you're going to keep doing these things, and she's going to hate you more and more, and eventually the two of you are on an episode of Cops covered in crap screaming about the Wal-Mart.
Does that sound like a fun time? I don't think it sounds fun. So let's cover a few basics, just to keep you safe, shall we?
1 - Don't fart wherever you want. There's a lady present. Go outside, or into the restroom. Use some air freshener.
2 - Don't drink out of the carton. You're not 4 years old. Even at 4, you're pissing a lady off when you do that, and thankfully she's your mother and isn't allowed to kill you.
3 - If you go to the bathroom, flush the toilet. If it's a deuce, light a match. Use that match to light a scented candle. If you don't have a candle, you better have some air freshener, you neanderthal.
4 - While we're on the subject of bathroom etiquette, remember to shut the door. No one wants to be around that guy who leaves the door open when he's plopping one out.
5 - Pick up your dirty laundry. Buy a clothes hamper or a laundry basket, and put the dirty stuff in it. Socks included.
6 - Don't leave food out. If you get a glass of milk, put the carton back in the fridge. If you make a sandwich, put away the bread, lunchmeat, and condiments.
That's just for starters. When you screw up, and you will, make sure you make it up to her. Cook her some dinner, maybe bring home some chocolates. Prove that you're a gentleman, not a heathen. And for Pete's sake, put some pants on when you're walking around the house.
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